Freedom Friday: I Saw You in Whole Foods Today

If you have struggled with an eating disorder, this post might be triggering to you. Please pause and pray before you read this if that is a concern.

I saw you at Whole Foods today.

I noticed you pretty quickly. The clothing you wore, the way you held yourself, the frenzy in which you ate.

I wondered if you had an eating disorder. 

I watched you out of the corner of my eye as I reviewed some work on my laptop. I lost sight of you as I packed my things, stopping at the restroom as I left.

There, I saw you. With your drink. Going into the handicapped stall.

Then I heard you vomit.

This is clearly a skill you have mastered. You were quiet. But I knew.

I knew because I've been there.

I had an eating disorder for 14 years. Borderline anorexia with an addiction to laxatives (ED-NOS did not exist then). I know the tricks of the trade, even for the behaviors I never engaged in.

I saw you. And I knew.

I spoke to you in the dining area minutes later, after I fumbled with my wallet to find my card. I told you I had an eating disorder for 14 years. You replied that you had yours for 11 years, and you loved it.

As if it were a pet or possession. Or a lifestyle choice.

You took my card and turned to leave, and I followed, searching for words. I asked if I could say one more thing. You paused and I told you that Jesus loves you and wants a different life for you. You thanked me and left.

I have a different life now. And I remember vividly the moment when everything changed.

I was in LA. I had been "in recovery" for over 4 years, continuing to starve and abuse laxatives while receiving treatment. I thought in that moment, I could live the rest of my life like this.

Suddenly, I keeled over in pain and weakness, as my muscles cramped and stomach revolted. And in that moment, I had clarity for the first time.

Something inside me quietly said, You will die if you keep doing this to yourself.

My treatment team and my friends had been telling me this for years. I finally believed it. 

After several more years or treatment and its ups and downs, I finally began to make choices to move toward recovery. I wanted a different life for myself, no matter the cost, and I was willing to do the work needed to have that life.

I also came to know Jesus as friend and Savior a week after that moment in LA. With the strength that He provides, I have been symptom-free from starvation and laxative use for over 11 years.

And I wouldn't trade any of it for a number on the scale.

11 years ago, as you took your first steps toward your eating disorder, I took my first true steps away. I chose life, and continue to choose it every day.

My wedding in December, 2002

My 2 boys at the start of school this year

What I don't know if you can see is that you don't have an eating disorder - your eating disorder has you. It controls you. It is not a lifestyle choice; it's a choice to die. It's a choice to never fully live.

Today, I saw you. I saw your pain, hidden under your baggy clothes and bloodshot eyes. I saw your pale skin and yellow, worn out teeth. But more importantly, God sees you; that is one of His names (Genesis 16:13). He sees you as you are and as He created you to be - and He loves you. He loves you so deeply and passionately that He allowed His Son to die for you, so that you could live a different life.

I don't know if you will ever use my card to find this blog. If you do, know I'm praying for you. I'm praying you have a moment, as I did, where you realize the truth about your eating disorder. And when you face that truth for what it is, I want you to know that there is a friend who can be there with every tear cried, through every painful step toward health. There is a hope offered for a new life, a fresh start. You don't have to hide behind your eating disorder anymore. 

It's OK to be seen.

Related posts:

I sold my birthright for a plate of food

Disordered Eating

Pregnant with a Dream

A year ago yesterday, we started our lives in northern VA.

3 weeks later, my father passed away, and 2 weeks after that, we moved into a rented townhouse.

We still don't have complete clarity as to why God brought us here, nor do we have steady employment. Despite that, I am still 100% convinced God is up to something amazing.

Sunset behind our home 2 days ago

How can I be so convinced?

Because I am pregnant. Not in the typical sense, though.

I am pregnant with a dream.

God has stirred something up in me, and I'm even more excited to see what our 2nd year here holds.

Above all else, I deeply trust Him. 

I asked my 6 year-old son what he learned about in church today. He learned about the Israelites crossing the Jordan River into the Promise Land. I asked him if they talked about the Jordan River being at flood stage, and what that meant for the Israelites - how scary that would be.

I blogged two and a half years ago about stepping into your Jordan. A year ago, we stepped into ours, trusting that the Promised Land was on the other side. We are still in the throes of labor, the flood stage, birthing this dream God has given us.

We are still waiting, still trusting. It's been quite painful at times, but full of anticipation.

Thank You, Lord, for this adventure that is life with You! 

What Jordan do you need to step into today? What frightening step do you need to take?

The Edits on my Book are Done!

Are you ready for Learning to Walk in Freedom?

This book that has been a word in my heart will soon be a reality.

From the first draft back in June, 2012:

To a finely tuned booklet with a beautifully illustrated cover by Rusty & Ingrid Creative (which I'll share soon enough). 

We have refined and tweaked this thing for the past 15+ months. And now we're declaring it done.

In just a few weeks, the eBook will be ready for purchase through your favorite retailer. A print book will follow within a couple of months. We will also be doing some giveaways here on the blog and on my Facebook page. And my blog will be moving to permanent hosting by the end of the year.

You do not want to miss out! 

A couple things you can do to prepare for all this excitement:

1. Subscribe to the email list. That way, I can more easily send you blog posts and book updates.  I will not spam you :) IMPORTANT: If you already receive blog posts in your inbox, you will still need to sign up for the email list. Your current updates come directly from Blogger (my current host), not from me. Thus, when we move the blog to permanent hosting, you will no longer receive blog posts in your inbox. So right now, go to http://www.livingunveiled.com and on the top right where it says "Get Living Unveiled updates via e-mail," put in your email address. This is through MailChimp, a service used by most bloggers. In fact, you probably get other blog posts through them.

2. Follow my Facebook page. I have a page on Facebook where I post updates on a regular basis, including my (almost) daily Bible-reading haikus. I will be posting my main book updates there.

3. Follow me on Twitter. I have a Twitter profile where I (can you guess what I do there?) tweet. Shocking, I know!

Why should you do any of the above things? Because for each one that you do, you will get an entry into each of my giveaways! So if you do all 3, you get 3 entries! Party!

Friends, I do believe this book has the potential to radically impact your life. Pray with me that it will be a blessing to many.

Freedom Friday, Tools for the Journey: Fitting Concentrated Study into a Busy Life

I have an occasional series in my blog entitled "Tools for the Journey." Today, we're talking about concentrated study.

Before I dive into this tool, I must mention how much God loves you. The God who spoke the universe into being loves you so much that He sent His Son down to earth as a man - to live as we live, to experience life as we have, and to even face the same temptations we face. That's how important it was for this God to connect with you.

When I talk about studying or reading the Bible, often what we hear through our filter is, "I need to read the Bible to be a good Christian." I hope today what you will hear instead is, "God loves me so much that He desires to connect with me all day, every day. One way I can connect with God is through His Word. There, I learn about His character, His promises and His heart for me."

So, that said.....

I was recently listening to some teaching by Ian Green (he did some leadership training for Chi Alpha campus missionaries back around 2004, and then more recently at my church). He mentioned how, when he was younger, he took one night a week to spend concentrated time with God. He would read the Bible for 30 minutes, pray for 30 minutes, read a Christian book for 30 minutes, and then repeat.

I used to do something similar when I first became a Christian and wondered if I could somehow find a way to do this again. On a smaller scale :)

So for the last 2 weeks, I have been doing this in 10-minute increments. I read the Bible for 10 minutes, pray for 10 minutes, read a book for 10 minutes, and then repeat (if I have time). I set a timer on my phone for each increment, and keep my journal close by to jot down any thoughts. I use the prayer time to mostly pray for the needs of others. Sometimes, I send them a note of encouragement based on my prayers if I feel led to do so. This type of rotating study has been a welcome relief from the type of reading I normally do, which is much more academic.

You could also do this on a smaller scale. If you only have 10 minutes, you could do each segment for 3 minutes each. For your book reading, grab a devotional like My Utmost for His Highest, Spurgeon's Morning and Evening (a favorite of mine, and only 99 cents for Kindle), or another I've been using lately, John Maxwell Daily Reader (a book my mentor Mike Olejarz gave me on the topic of personal and leadership development).

One of the warnings Ian Green gave is that when he began to set aside time for this purpose, all of a sudden, everyone wanted to visit him on that night. The phone would ring, and lots of things would cry out for his attention. He was living with his parents at the time, and simply told them to not interrupt him, no matter what.

It is easy to put our time with God as a secondary priority. There are other priorities that seem more immediate, more pressing (like little kids, dirty kitchens, incomplete work assignments). As we begin to be more purposeful about study and spending time with God, we need to guard that time. Block it off on your calendar. Ask for His grace and favor in getting that other stuff done as well. You will find the investment of time to be well worth it.

What methods do you use to make sure you get in your study time? 

Monday Morning Meditation: How Do You Start Your Day?

Good morning, Living Unveiled readers! I have a very important question for you.

How did you start your Monday?

Did it start it quietly soaking in God's truth in prayer and Bible-reading?

Or did it begin with frantically grabbing something to eat as you ran out or pushed your kids out the door?

How your day begins sets the tone for hours to come.

I posted something on my Facebook page last week (have you "liked" my Facebook page yet?). I have been in the habit of almost-daily Bible reading for about a year now. This consistency is new for me. Recently, I thought I missed a few days due to work, etc. and had felt "off" as a result. I sat down to read that night, only to realize I had missed just one day. My heart is now so accustomed to the daily bread that every day missed impacts me.

I used to read the Bible regularly because that's what good Christians do. I now recognize a difference in myself when I read the Bible, process it and pray through it, even if it's only for 5 minutes.

Have you consumed your daily bread today? 

Start your week with true humility. Dive into the Word and find out what your loving Father says about you. Read about all that Jesus died to give you. Soak in the Spirit's presence. Ask God to fill you again.

For Freedom Friday this week, I'll be sharing an exciting method I've been using to structure some of my study time. See you then!

Freedom Friday: Are You Being Honest?

We have a serious problem in the church today.

We lie to each other.

We lie every time that we feel deeply broken and in pain, and yet we say we're fine.

We lie every time we skip church because we don't want to face the question, "How are you?"

We lie every time someone opens up about a struggle and, because of pride and fear, we pat them on the back, saying, "I'll pray for you, friend!" rather than sharing how we've faced a similar struggle.

We lie to each other.

In Russell Willingham's amazing book, Relational Masks, he addresses the core beliefs that make us feel as if we must put on our smiles and act as if everything is OK.

One major core belief is this: If I am honest, I will be abandoned. 

Shame runs deep. It began in the Garden of Eden, when Adam and Eve tried to cover up the truth for their all-knowing Creator. If Adam and Eve struggled with honesty in their relationship with God, how much more so do we need to fight against this tendency in our lives.

Russell Willingham stated this in a teaching I once heard: we demonstrate the above core belief by always putting our best foot forward and never letting anyone see our weaknesses. We have this secret fear that if we’re honest about how deep the brokenness goes, we’ll be thrown out on our ears.

A lot of these core beliefs are based on experiences we’ve actually lived through. Some of our families would shut down our honesty. We've shared our struggles and experienced rejection. Thus, we don’t risk with people. We’re always respectable. We act like we have it all together.

Paul address in the church in Ephesus. “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25). You can read the context of the passage here. Paul was giving the believers instructions on new ways of living and interacting.

Paul was basically telling Christians to stop lying to each other. 

Because that’s our tendency. Our tendency, since the Garden, is to hide. Hide our sin, hide our brokenness, hide our shame. Act as if we've got it all together and we don't need help.

Russell Willingham states that we need a commitment to truth-telling in our lives.

What have you gained, spiritually, by being dishonest?

With God?
With your friends?
With those around you who can help you?

Why do we put on our smiling faces and go to church when we are totally broken inside? Or worse yet, skip church all together during those tough weeks?

I know from my own life and years of ministry, we have a desperate need to be seen. That is the imprint of God within our hearts. He did not create us for isolation. He created us for love, acceptance and support in the safety of authentic, healthy community. He deposited in us a need for affirmation, for honesty, for the freedom that is found when we bring our struggles to the light.

Here's the thing: not everyone can handle honesty. And not everyone has earned a place of trust in our lives that we should tell them our struggles. Remember Jesus' example of 3 intimate friends and 9 other good friends. So you may have to go to a number of people before you find a safe place to share your heart. But it's worth the risk. You were created for relationship. God designed freedom, healing and growth to happen in the context of community.

Will you take a risk today? Would you risk being honest, and, in the process, risk finding the freedom you long for?

Monday Morning Meditation: Undistracted Devotion

This weekend at church we sang:

I don't wanna talk about You like You're not in the room
I wanna look right at You, I wanna sing right to You

We sang these lines as part of the song, "You Won't Relent." When I looked up the lyrics, I realized the lines are actually part of another song entitled "Dove's Eyes." It's quite mellow and introspective compared to the passion (and volume!) of the other song, but there's another line in the song that grabs my heart.

Give me undistracted devotion to only You

Oh, how easily I am distracted from my devotion to God! Every worry that comes my way, everything that's not part of my plan, every stumbling block and obstacles takes my eyes off my Lord and on to my troubles.

It's Monday. I hope you gathered with other believers this weekend. I pray you dove into the Word of God and soaked in His Spirit this morning.

Many things will cry out for my attention this week. The cry of my heart is to have undistracted devotion to my Lord, that my response to all else will be tempered by my love for Jesus and my passion to know and serve Him.

Will you pray for undistracted devotion to God today?