Freedom Friday: Totally Surrendered

I mentioned last week I'll be starting a series on Jesus, what He said, why He came, and what He asks of us.

When people ask me the key to learning to walk in freedom, I answer without pausing:

It's total surrender.

"He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it." Matthew 10:39 (NASB)

Yet my heart aches. I see so little surrender in the people around me.

I became a Christian in college. So did many of my friends. We attended campus ministry together.

Mike O, my spiritual mentor, and myself (looking rather zombie-like)
The campus ministry I've been part of has a strong emphasis on sharing Jesus with the world. And thus, many of my friends and me left college, ready to take on the world for Christ!

Or so we thought.

A good number of these people are no longer even following Jesus.

Some of those that do follow Jesus live a pretty standard American life. Some attend church regularly, some give financially, some are involved in humanitarian and/or evangelistic efforts.

But not many.

I've found myself wondering, Why? What changed?

I need to first look at myself.

While I'd like to believe that I live a totally surrendered life, I am self-aware enough to know I have plenty of blind spots.

Self-reliance is always a challenge for me. So is pride. We want what Jesus has to offer. We also want the Christian life to come easily, without sacrifice on our part. We don't really want to do what Jesus requires of us in order to live the life He desires us to live.

What does Jesus require of us?

A lot. More than we care to admit.

Did you ever notice that Jesus would often try and talk people out of following Him? He said this, as recorded in the gospel of Luke, chapter 14:

If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple.

But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it? Otherwise, you might complete only the foundation before running out of money, and then everyone would laugh at you. They would say, ‘There’s the person who started that building and couldn’t afford to finish it!’

Or what king would go to war against another king without first sitting down with his counselors to discuss whether his army of 10,000 could defeat the 20,000 soldiers marching against him? And if he can’t, he will send a delegation to discuss terms of peace while the enemy is still far away. So you cannot become my disciple without giving up everything you own.

Does that sound like the gospel of today? Where is total surrender spoken of today?

Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31, 32 NLT)

As I found myself heartbroken over a recent conversation with a friend, I had to stop and pray, Let it begin with me, Lord. Break my self-reliance and my pride. Strip me of the things I cling to that keep me from living a fully surrendered life. All I want is all You have, Jesus.

Let the truth set me free, Jesus, by empowering me to being faithful to Your teachings. Let Your words sink so deeply into my heart that a totally surrendered life naturally flows out of me.

Let it begin with me, Lord.

Freedom Friday: How Do We Live in the Meantime?

I've shared here that my family is in the middle of many possible transitions. Big life changes with lots of uncertainties. Challenging stuff.

Someone asked my husband and I what God has been speaking to us during this time.

My husband spoke of God's comfort, nearness, and reassurance.

All I'm receiving is correction.

I feel a bit like Paul right now. In the midst of some amazing things, he was kept humble by a thorn in his side. The things God is showing me are humbling, to say the least.

I'm responding better to the correction than when I first wrote this blog post about responding to God's discipline. I'll be honest, though, and say I'm still hoping for some direction eventually and not just correction.

I'm living in "the meantime."

The space between where we were and where we want to be, between God's initial promises and direction and their fruition. The time of earnest waiting. When we try to push our doubts and fears aside.

This is the meantime.



How Do We Live in the Meantime?

1. Remain open.
A Sara Groves' lyric inspired parts of this post.

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic "yes"
To all that You have for me

In the meantime, we need to remain open. Am I really in a posture that I can nod my head with an emphatic "yes," no matter what God asks of me?

We can remain open, open-hearted, and open-handed, so when God's direction does come, we are ready.

2. Move forward with the direction you have.

"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going." Hebrews 11:8 (NIV1984)

I'll confess that I have really struggled during this time with how to proceed. I've taken on an additional job, and I'm just plain tired. A few weeks back, I began questioning everything. Am I really called to be a writer/speaker? This book that I've been working on forever, is it even any good? Is it necessary? How do I know God called me?

I went back to my journals, to prayer, to God's Word. Nothing had changed. I was just tired and feeling weary.

The meantime is like that. Abraham wasn't given the whole picture of what God had for him, but he had enough information to continue forward based on the information and vision God had given him.

Move forward with the direction you have, with the passion God has given you, and the vision He has instilled in you.

3. Don't compromise.
Character is vitally important in the meantime. Integrity is imperative. Who you are in the meantime is a direct reflection of the state of your heart and the solidity of your character.

When we can't see God working, how will we respond? We get the urge to strive, to take things into our own hands (above & beyond the direction God has given us), to stop resting and trusting.

Sarah & Abraham had this struggle (then called Sarai & Abram, before God changed their names). They didn't believe God was working quickly enough to fulfill His promise that they would have a child. So Abram slept with Sarai's servant so that they would have the child God promised. He compromised his values when he couldn't see what God was doing in the meantime.

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man,
but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." Proverbs 19:21 (ESV)

We need to continue to grow in character and integrity of faith in the meantime and not compromise our values.

4. Keep your eyes on God.
Though it'd be quite easy to become discouraged and lose sight of the God who loves you and has good things for you, the meantime should not be viewed as purposeless, or a useless period of waiting and delay. In John 11, Jesus delayed going to see the sick Lazarus, and Lazarus died.

Why did Jesus allow this? Why didn't He hurry up and get there and heal Lazarus?

Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?”

And they did see the glory of God when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.

God is glorified when we look to Him, wait on Him, and trust in him.

Keep reading the Word. Pray. Spend time with people who can encourage you as you move toward God and His plans. Keep your eyes on God.

The meantime can be a fruitful time of waiting on God, trusting in Him and growing in your relationship with Him and others. Look to Him. Don't compromise your values. Move forward with the direction you have in the meantime.

Freedom Friday: Responding to God's Discipline

God is doing a work in me
He's walking through my rooms and hails
Checking every corner
Tearing down the unsafe walls
And letting in the light

Sara Groves "Help Me Be New"

I've been practicing living a lifestyle of hearing (mentioned last week). A lifestyle of waiting on God.

"My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning." Psalm 130:6 (NIV1984)

I was hoping through all this waiting and listening to hear some sort of massive revelation about what's next in our lives. Or to catch a glimpse of some grand plan that God has for me.

Instead, what I'm receiving is correction.

I wish I could say my response to correction is always thankfulness and receptive humility. Not usually. Instead, I respond as my children often do to discipline: I alternate between wanting to lash out in anger or denial and trying to hide in shame.

I mostly just mope. It's not fun to have your imperfection revealed to you. Isaiah knows what this feels like.

"It’s all over! I am doomed, for I am a sinful man. I have filthy lips, and I live among a people with filthy lips. Yet I have seen the King, the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.”

It's easy to write, speak and sing about how I desire to be all God wants be to be, how the cry of my heart is to be more like Him, how I want to learn to walk in the fullness of all He created me to be. But the reality of correction is that it's painful and challenging.

When God puts His finger on something in our hearts or lives that needs to be changed, how should we react?

1. Gratitude. God is speaking to us and doing what a good father does: discipline His children. Discipline is not a dirty word. It simply means to disciple or correct. Discipline is how we grow. So we can thank God for caring enough about us to speak to us about things that are keeping us from living in the fullness of who He created us to be.

"If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself;
but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding."
Proverbs 15:32 (NLT)

2. Humility. False humility, overwhelming grief, self-punishment: these are all forms of pride. Pride declares that the cross is not enough. Pride says I must hide in shame, just as in the garden. Pride says I mist somehow punish myself or make up for the fact that I'm not perfect. To punish myself is to deny the cross.

"The punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5b (NIV1984)

We can choose to accept God's correction without moping or denial, but rather with true humility and thankfulness. True humility exercises our surrendering muscles and declares to God, "You are able to take care of me, to shape me, and I trust You to do just that."

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time." 1 Peter 5:6

3. Prayer. We can go to prayer with the thing God has shown us. Sometimes, we need more guidance and direction. Other times, we need His peace to confirm what we've heard. Mainly, I think we just need to experience His love & acceptance in that moment and gather the strength and grace we need in order to accomplish whatever He has asked of us.

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)

4. Action. Whether the thing God speaks to us requires a simply tweaking or a complete overhaul, we need to act on what He has said. Write it down. Tell a friend. Pray with someone. And act. Hearing and responding to God takes practice. You may not always get it exactly right. Remember that God is a good father. Good, healthy parents never expect their children to be perfect. Their kids are not mocked or shunned for trying to be obedient, but making a mistake. As we try to be obedient to what we thought we heard, God will give us grace and rejoice over our effort.

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:11 (NIV1984)

Sarah Groves puts it well in her song:

I am working hard
To clean my house and set it straight
To not let pride get in the way
To catch an eternal vision of
What I am to become

True freedom is learning to walk in the fullness of all God created you to be. We can accept the Lord's discipline with gratitude, humility, prayer and action because He is a good father.

How has the Lord been disciplining you lately? How have you chosen to respond?

Freedom Friday: Battling Fear

I'm battling fear today.

There are several scary situations I'm facing right now. My fears are random and widespread. Most are founded; some are unfounded.

For most of my life, fear dictated my choices and what I did & didn't do. Fear of rejection & abandonment. Fear that I wasn't good enough and would never be. Fear that I wasn't lovable. Fear that I would not have the strength to make it through the challenges I was facing.

Fear paralyzed me.

Fear could easily rule my life, if I allowed it to. Today is a good reminder of that.

My husband told me I needed to write Freedom Friday about fear. So here I am, writing these reminders mostly to myself. I hope they are helpful to you as well.

Once you recognize that fear is affecting you, here are some ways to address it.

1. Name your fears.

Write down what you are afraid of, and, if you can pinpoint it, why you battle those fears. I blogged before about fear of the unknown. It goes hand in hand with fear of discomfort, fear of new suffering. A common one I've been addressing lately is fear of failure; another is fear of success. I actually believe they go hand in hand. Fear of failure is often rooted in self-image issues. Not only are we afraid we are worthless, we are also afraid we are full of worth. We are afraid to shine, to walk in freedom, to live out our amazing.

Name your fears. Don't be shy. Journal about them or just speak them out to God in prayer. Lay them at the cross, and then....

2. Address your fears with Scripture.

Fear can have an enormously crippling effect on our journey toward living in the fullness of all God created us to be.

Fear is not something to be ashamed of. People make mistakes. It's part of being human. Jesus knew we'd be afraid. God knew fear was a part of life; that's why He continually reminds us in His Word to not fear, but rather rely on His strength and trust in Him.

Search the Word for Scriptures about not being afraid. Find God's direction about walking in His strength, about having courage and finding hope. Read them aloud and ask God to make the words come alive, that they would ring true in your heart & life. Remember that God is a God of peace:

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." John 14:27

3. Choose to trust.

Give your fears to God. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego chose to trust God when Nebuchadnezzar was going to throw them into the fiery furnace. Their response is so challenging to me: "We do not need to defend ourselves before you. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up."

Even if He doesn't?

I blog a lot about trust. In one of my first posts, I shared about how I trusted God with the child who was growing inside me, and yet, that child died.

Even if He doesn't.

Trusting God is not about "believing for" a sunny outcome. It's a choice to trust that God's perspective is far above mine, that He is good, that He is faithful, no matter what occurs.

4. Do it afraid.

Joyce Meyer says when we are too afraid to do something, we should "do it afraid."

As I wrote this blog post, I thought of a story Steve Arterburn shared on his radio program, New Life Live. Early on in his career, he came up with what he thought was a fantastic idea for a conference. He felt God was in it. He booked a hotel, a ballroom, advertised, and waited. The event day came, and the turnout was pitifully small. By all perspectives, he had failed.

Then he had another idea for a conference. A rather strange idea coming from him, as it would be an all women's conference. While he could have chosen to be paralyzed by fear because of his past failure, he rather decided to move forward, full-throttle. It would be called "Women of Faith."

I imagine most of you have heard of it.

I read over on their site today that 388,000 women made first-time decisions to follow Jesus at a Women of Faith event. What would have happened if Steve Arterburn had let fear dictate his choices?

Do it afraid. Michael Hyatt says, "Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the willingness to act in spite of your fear." So I trudge forward; I do it afraid.

As I wrapped up the typing of this, God reminded me of His goodness. If He is really good, who am I to fear? If He is able to speak the world into existence, is anything too much for Him to handle?

What fears are you facing today? How can you, with God's help and sustenance, press through them to go to the next level?

A note to readers: if you follow my Facebook page, you know that I will be starting a new blog series, in addition to Freedom Fridays, called Monday Morning Meditation. Look for it on Monday! And if you don't follow me on Facebook, do consider it. I often post speaking engagements and other news there. You can also find me on Twitter.

Freedom Friday: When God Calls For Silence

I had a conversation with a friend a month or so ago. It brought this thought to mind:

Maybe sometimes we need to be muted.

I guess God was preparing me.

It's a quiet time here. A thoughtful time. A prayerful place.

God has called for silence.

I'm always sharing that healing happens in the context of community. This is still true. There's certainly something very important about sharing life and struggles with others.

There is also a place for silence and solitude.

"Before daybreak the next morning, Jesus got up and went out to an isolated place to pray." Mark 1:35

"But Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer." Luke 5:16

I have a deep sense of reverence these days. That I just want to get down on my knees and stay there. I did just that for a while today.

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him." Psalm 62:5 (NLT)

This verse has been the pulse of my heart for this current season and prior.

Quietly, in other Bible translations of the above verse, is also translated "silent" or "still", so I wanted to see what light the Hebrew word had to add to the passage.

Other possible meanings are:
to be struck dumb
to be silenced, be made silent, destroyed
to make quiet
to rest
to be still, die

Let me tell you - there is certainly a dying involved in the call to silence.

I'm a talker. In fact, I'm a loud talker. I'm also a loud laugher. People will often say to me, "Brenna, I knew you arrived because I heard you laugh." Ask any of my good friends. They have likely said this to me.

Silent? Reserved? Uh, not so much. Struck dumb? Never.

Yet God is calling me to silent spaces.

There is a tearing apart, a preparation, a refining of sorts. An awe of the jealousy of God's heart, that there are times when He asks me to pause, to be still before Him. To go straight to Him before anyone else.

A call to silence. A drawing into His heart.

Have you experienced this? What did you learn in that time?

Here's a bit of what I'm learning in my process.

When God calls for silence
1. Pray
If we look at Jesus' example, this seems obvious. But not necessarily natural. When God asks me to be quiet, my natural tendency is to pout! A call to silence is a call to prayer. It's a call to seek. It's a call to rest and trust. And ask. It's not necessarily a call to ask for specific things you want for yourself (a new job, a new car, or a specific outcome), but rather a call to ask for openness, general direction and sovereign guidance.

2. Fast
I really wanted to leave this one out. Really. I paused. And then I added it.

Fasting seems big and scary and - well - so pre-21st century.

That's exactly why you need to do it.

In the Old Testament, fasting was often tied with repenting or seeking the Lord. Jesus talked in Matthew 6:16-17 about "when you fast". Fasting is mentioned in the book of Acts as well.

Fasting can mean a lot of things. It could mean skipping one meal for a time of prayer, or skipping a week's worth of meals for a time of prayer. It could be a Daniel fast (traditionally 21 days of a vegetarian diet). It could mean giving up sweets or coffee for a week.

It doesn't have to be about food. You can fast from TV, movies, or Facebook. The time that would normally be spent in food prep, eating, or sitting at a computer is now used for prayer and seeking the Lord.

Isaiah 58 is an excellent explanation of why & how to fast.

3. Wait.
Waiting is about slowing down. It's about pausing. It's a reminder that there's more to life than jumping from one activity to the next. It can also be a place of preparation.

Oh, how I used to hate waiting.

I don't love it now, but I've learned to, as David talks about in Psalm 5, wait in expectation. Waiting is not passive. But I believe the call for silence is more for a waiting as described in Psalm 130:

"My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning."

We watch and wait. Watch for the first sunshine of morning, or hope, to peer into our silence. We are being prepared.

4. Listen.
Something I said in that conversation back in December about being muted was this: maybe those times when we feel most alone, or during the calls to silence, are really the times when God wants us to reach out to Him. He wants to be heard by us. What a powerful thought.

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me." Jesus in John 10:27

"I will bless the LORD who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me." Psalm 16:7

God's voice often comes through His Word, or a sense in our spirit. Sometimes it's just a gentle prompting in our hearts.

Ask for ears to hear. Wait, and listen.

5. Obey.
What you do hear, even what you think you hear, obey. Take a step. Pray about it first. Fast about it. Remember that God will not ask you to do something that goes against His Word. Ask 2-3 others to pray if it's a particularly radical step. (Despite the call to silence, I do believe that asking for assistance and confirmation through the prayers of a few trusted friends is wise.) God will not punish you for trying to obey what you think is His prompting, even if you sometimes make a mistake.

6. Rejoice.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" Philippians 4:4

Enjoy the process. Honestly, this call to silence is not a happy place for me. Neither is it exactly sad. It's sort of a heavy place, a solemn, holy pause. At the same time, if I stop and wait, I can occasionally feel a little firework of joy going off in my heart. Since joy is often a choice, I will not choose sackcloth for this call to silence. I will choose to rejoice.

If God is calling you to silence, there is much to learn and experience in this process.

Pray. Fast, Wait. Listen. Obey. And rejoice.

Freedom Friday: The Desires of My Heart

What are the desires of your heart?

The longings? The dreams?

What are you passionate about? What drives you?

As I wrote this, I asked myself this question: what are the desires of my heart today?
-To be a patient and kind mom.
-To be a loving and encouraging wife.
-To be a faithful and prayerful friend.
-To model God's love & freedom to those around me.

At a leadership meeting for the ministry I work with, we all wrote a life purpose statement. I wrote this almost a year ago: "To see the Church & its individuals learn to walk in the fullness of freedom that is available to every follower of Jesus Christ, finding healing in the context of community, through music & teaching, and seeing themselves reflected in the image of God and the cross."

Yep, that still about sums it up.

Psalm 37 was read in church a few weeks ago. My eyes were opened to the fullness of all this psalm speaks of, and even all it asks of us.

3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD (NASB says "Rest in the LORD") and wait patiently for him.

We can get really caught up on verse 4 because we like verse 4. I like verse 4 as well! I want the desires of my heart to be fulfilled. But when I focus on verse 4 alone, I lose sight of all the other things God would like us to do.

Trust.
Do good.
Dwell.
Enjoy.
Delight.
Commit.
Trust.
Be still.
Rest.
Wait.

Yikes. That's intense.

If you had asked me a decade ago what the desires of my heart were, some would have been the same as today; some would have been different. As God has grown me and refined me, as I am slowly becoming the person He originally created me to be, my heart has changed in some ways, and in others remains the same.

What I think I want isn't always good. Some of what I want is just plain selfish. Other desires may seem unnecessary or frivolous, but God cares about those, too. I was once told that God was too busy doing important things to answer my "small" prayer request. It wasn't small to me, and so I kept asking (and He did grant my request eventually).

When I choose to trust God (this short passage tells me to do that twice), when I enjoy Him & dwell in Him, when I am still before Him, resting in Him, waiting on Him, when I am good to His creations, when I commit myself and my ways to Him, I am changed. My heart is changed to be more like His. My desires are sometimes even changed.

I started this blog post a few weeks ago. I opened my saved drafts this morning, and this was on top. I needed to be reminded of this psalm today. The week has been challenging, and a dream I have, a God-given dream, is slow in coming to fruition. I start asking myself, "Is God's timing really perfect? Can people's choices mess with God's will? Will someone stand in the way of my dreams?"

I needed the reminder to stop. Be still. Rest. Commit. Trust. I know that I know that I know that God is good. He doesn't give His kids stones when we ask for bread. He just doesn't! I am once again presented with a choice: a choice to trust in Him. To trust in His goodness, His faithfulness. To trust in His character. To give my heart with its sometimes broken and sometimes God-given desires back to Him, let Him shape it some more, and wait for Him.



Today I will trust in the Lord. Over & over. I will do good - to my kids, my husband, my family, friends and even strangers. I will dwell, enjoy, delight, commit, and choose to trust again, as I rest in Him & wait on Him.

Freedom Friday: You Are God's Favorite, Part 3

Hello, beloved :) I hope you've been soaking in the reality of God's fierce tenderness for the last week.

Have you been referring to yourself as the disciple whom Jesus loved? If you try, you're bound to giggle at yourself. But I seriously recommend it. In fact, why don't you add the following while you're at it (expounding on the meaning of the word "beloved"):

I am esteemed by God and very dear to Him.
In fact, I am His favorite!
He has declared me worth knowing, worth loving and worth creating.

Try it. I'm serious. OK, don't roll your eyes at me. I saw that!

I know a few of you think I'm absolutely crazy. But I dare you to speak these truths to yourself. Just try it.

You may wonder why I'm talking about this. And why on earth am I pressuring you all to speak these strange (but true!) things to yourself?

This is why.

I'm going to share with you an excerpt from when I first gave this talk to the campus ministry I directed back in 2004.

A little background:

First of all, I couldn't believe God wanted me to talk about this. I had just started to discover these truths myself and had barely seen the tip of the iceberg, but I felt strongly God wanted me to talk about it.

Second, God didn't want me just to share facts. He wanted me to share my experiences. Intimately, and transparently.

This was my first year as a campus missionary. It was my first year working with Alive in Christ.

I had no idea what I was doing.

I was still struggling deeply with depression, doubt, fear & insecurity.

In my talk, I posed the question: how does this knowledge [of being God's favorite] change us? And how has it changed me?

This is, content unedited, what I said.

I've always struggled with feelings of worthlessness, uselessness and stupidity. It has been worse in the past year. I don't know if that's because I've begun to do something that doesn't have a rule book, a step-by-step guide dictating "this is how you do it". I don't know if it's because I'm putting myself out there, making myself more vulnerable. But I do know how it manifests itself - in negative self-talk and paralyzing feelings of inadequacy. I used to walk around thinking "Jesus loves even me." Now instead, I tell myself "Jesus loves especially me." The knowledge that I am Beloved changes how I treat myself, and in turn, changes the way I view others.

I believe when Jesus said "Love your neighbor as yourself", He not only meant "don't put others below yourself" but He also meant was "we can only love others as much as we love ourselves".

I don't have to all figured out. I continually need to allow the knowledge that I am Beloved to be a filter for my thoughts and my actions. Instead of letting my emotions and experiences dictate my worth, I allowed God's acceptance of me and His love to dictate my worth.

Wow. I've come a long way since then.

When I wrote the above, that I was learning to allow "God's acceptance of me and His love to dictate my worth", I was probably only successful 10% of the time.

Now, I can honestly say that 98% of the time, being God's favorite truly defines me and dictates how I feel about myself. I say 98% because I still have moments when it feels as if life is ganging up on me and I begin to question my worth. I had a moment yesterday and a few weeks ago, which reminded me that those moments are now few & far between.

This is why it's important. If you begin to view yourself and others through the lens of being God's beloved, you will be radically changed.

"The truth," Henri Nouwen wrote in "The Life of the Beloved", "even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God's eyes, called the Beloved from all eternity and held safe in an everlasting embrace . . . We must dare to opt consciously for our chosenness and not allow our emotions, feelings, or passions to seduce us into self-rejection."

If you truly believed that you are "beloved", God's favorite, and you lived out of that tender affection, how would that change you?

It's time to find out. It's time to start telling ourselves the truth about who we are in Christ.

How do you do this? Try some of these posts. Speak these truths to yourself. Speak them to others. Commit to telling yourself the truth about who you are and not believing the lies any longer.

Do you truly know the love of Christ? His acceptance? His favor?

Do you want to?

Does it affect every part of the way you live your life?

Rest in Him. Let Him transform you. Surrender to Him, and to His love.

Let this knowledge change you. Let Him change you.

Freedom Friday, Choosing to Trust, Part 2

Hi, Freedom Friday readers!

We have a lot going on right now. I feel as if I say that a lot in this blog. Well, that's because it's true :) But this week, we had several more issues added to the mix. Some of these had been brewing for quite some time, so they weren't completely unexpected.

My reaction, on the other hand, was something I didn't expect.

Over the years, I have learned to go with the flow, to not react, to not try & predict, over-plan, over-calculate. I have learned, in many respects, to really actively choose to trust God. Mostly.

Mostly.

When the stuff hit the fan this week, I didn't choose to trust God. I chose to freak out. Just a little. But freak out nonetheless.

It's actually quite amusing to be me. I am, generally, fairly confident in who God is, who I am in Christ, and who God created me to be. I write what I've experienced and what I know deep within my soul. I don't write about it if it hasn't already begun to pulsate in my blood.

There are some exceptions. At times, I write about concepts I am grappling with or aspects of God & myself that I'm struggling with. But most of the time, I simply write what I've learned through reading the Bible, living amongst other believers, and through my recovery and ever-increasing walk of freedom.

It becomes amusing when I am stubborn and refuse to take my own advice.

About 6-8 hours into my freak out, I started telling myself I needed to go read my own blog. Did I? Of course not. Because a part of me wanted to keep freaking out rather than tell myself the truth.

Eventually, I snapped myself out of it. As I was running the next morning, the phrase "look up" kept coming to me. And I couldn't help but preach to myself a mini-sermon based on this blog post about seeing with God's eyes.

Since then, I've been back to my usual self, relying on God when the doubts come, resting in the knowledge of His character, diving deep into Him, and allowing His peace to fill me. Mostly :)

Peace, rest, reliance: none of these things are dependent on my circumstances. They are dependent solely on the character of God, who He says He is, and all that He has offered to us as believers.

God either is who He says He is, or He isn't. It's that simple. God is either the source of my peace, or my planning and my provision and my best guess are the source of my peace. I did the latter long enough to know where that gets me! The part that is more challenging is to believe all that God is & trust that all He has is available to us.

God did not jump off the throne, my pastor used to say, just because your circumstances have thrown you for a loop. He is still in control. He still has a plan.

I have come a long way in this area. It wasn't all that long ago that I was writing this article, Opportunities for Joy, about practicing acceptance. Contentment, resting in God, trusting in Him comes a lot easier these days.

I hope that's encouraging to you, readers. Progress is possible. Change is possible. Freedom from unhelpful & unhealthy patterns can be a reality.

Practice does not make perfect, but it can make progress.

Cling to Jesus. Learn about whom He really is. Show Him your heart. Open your heart to His. Rest in Him. When you find yourself striving, run to Him.

Freedom Friday: The Biggest Enemy of God's Gifts

I began writing this post 3 months ago after a series of events sparked my thinking on this topic.

This is how quite a few of my blog posts begin - just some random thoughts I've written down.

I needed to read it today.

******************

I'm tired. Tired physically, emotionally, even spiritually.

It's been a challenging few months.

I don't feel like blogging today. I feel like napping. I feel like wallowing a bit on the outskirts of my default setting.

Instead, I open my saved, but unpublished, blog posts, and found this one.

It's excruciatingly appropriate.

Back on that day in February when I started this post, I read this blog about being afraid to use our gifts. The author reposted this June 2008 post on his Twitter, and the words really dug into my heart.

That was the first impetus for my thoughts beginning to churn.

Then, also back on that day in February, I read this entry from "My Utmost for His Highest". Also thought-churning.

I can totally understand what the blogger spoke about concerning being afraid to use our gifts. There was a time I was a very prolific songwriter. It was my main means of communicating my overwhelming feelings to God and to others. And then, there came a time when God asked me to stop writing.

God did this by gently nudging me. He loves my songs. But He wanted me to learn to communicate in other, healthier, life-giving ways. Like sitting down face to face with someone who loves me & cares about me and telling them what I was experiencing.

I'm able to do that now. Well, most of the time. 90% of the time. That's quite a bit of progress over 0% of the time.

Then the Oswald Chambers entry opened my eyes to a frightening truth. When I'm insecure about what I can take on or achieve, I'm really saying that Jesus isn't able to help me. I'm saying my insecurities and weakness are too much for Him to fix and/or work through.

The entry says: "Beware of the pious fraud in you which says - I have no misgivings about Jesus, only about myself. None of us ever had misgivings about ourselves; we know exactly what we cannot do, but we do have misgivings about Jesus."

He goes on to write, "My misgivings arise from the fact that I ransack my own person to find out how He will be able to do it."

Back to the above blog post. I feel as if God clearly spoke to me through several means a decade ago concerning how He wanted to use my gifts. I've allowed Him to use some of my gifts in limited capacity, but for lots of reasons (fear, shame, pride and letting Satan win being among them), I have not been and am not living in the fullness of all God has for me.

Add my family to the mix. I can think of a million reasons that God's call is not doable or even feasible given various family circumstances. What about God's call for my husband? My kids? These are excuses - yes. But they are pretty convincing ones. This would be a great example of the "how" Oswald Chambers referenced.

The reality, for me, is the biggest enemy of God's gifts being used in my life is me.

It's not just Satan (he plays a part, certainly). It's not my life circumstances. It's not money or time or anything else.

It's me.

It's me and all my rationalizing and explaining away. It's me and all my small sighted-ness. It's me believing the lies Satan is speaking and forgetting to tell myself the truth.

It's the very stuff I pound into your heads week after week that I seem to not be able to hear right now. It's the very things I usually can put into practice. But I feel as if I'm hitting a roadblock in this area.

For my family, I have felt for quite some time as if God is pushing us out of our comfort zone in several areas and we need to really seek Him without fear. I laugh at that. Seek God as a family? I feel as if my husband & I barely have time to sit and figure out our schedules, much less seek God in concentrated prayer.

Another excuse.

What are your excuses? God can't use you until you're healed? You're too busy? Too tired? Too.....?

What are your misgivings about Jesus, as Oswald Chambers asked? Evidently, mine include having to pray a certain amount in order to hear from God about what's next. Hmm. Treating God like a vending machine where I need to put in a certain amount of something in order to get something in return is never a good idea.

I remember when God made it clear He wanted me to talk about my struggle with overcoming same-sex attraction. I was like, "Really, God? ARE YOU INSANE? You want me to tell Christians about this? I'll likely end up ex-communicated!" And look at me now :) Yet there are clearly other areas that I need to surrender and be obedient in.

What gift is God asking you to use? Does the very thought of being obedient terrify you?

What big dreams is God asking you to fan the flame of?

Are you the enemy that is keeping you from obedience?

I want to end with a prayer, for me & for you. Feel free to pray it aloud.
God. I choose to trust You. I choose to trust that the gifts You have given me & the plans You have for me are Yours, not mine. I surrender the fact that sometimes, Your plans & gifts won't even make sense to me. I release them to You to figure out the "how". Forgive me for my complacency, my falling into despair and indifference. Forgive me for only looking at things through my eyes and not asking for Your eyes. Help me to stop being my own worst enemy. Re-deposit Your spirit & Your Word into my heart to encourage me, to challenge me, and to spur me to action. I love You. You are good. Thank You for caring for me as only a perfect Father can. Not my will, Lord, but Yours - really. I pray this is the mighty name of Your Son, Jesus. Amen.

Freedom Fridays: Trust or Despair?

Think of the biggest struggle in your life right now, the thing that plagues you. The issue you've dealt with for so long that you can't imagine ever feeling free of it.

Now imagine yourself in a place of great victory. You are finally learning to walk in freedom as it pertains to your struggle.

You have overcome obstacles that used to appear to be Mount Everest. Now you feel as if you have conquered Mount Everest!

I'm rapidly nearing the end of Joshua. Today, I read chapter 23.

It's exciting to imagine the Israelites in the Promised Land. The land had been divided; the Israelites had received their inheritance. They were settling in to their new homes.

We hear Joshua imploring the Israelites to continue to follow God with everything they have.

So be very careful to follow everything Moses wrote in the Book of Instruction. Do not deviate from it, turning either to the right or to the left. Make sure you do not associate with the other people still remaining in the land. Do not even mention the names of their gods, much less swear by them or serve them or worship them. Rather, cling tightly to the Lord your God as you have done until now.

Put yourself back in that place of great victory you envisioned at the beginning of this post.

Now imagine you are an Israelite.

You have stepped into your Jordan.

You gathered your stones of remembrance.

You have seen challenges through God's eyes.

You have learned the importance of consulting God in all things.

And now you are living in the fullness of God's specific plan for you.

No wonder you feel as if you've conquered a giant mountain! Surely now you can exhale and finally relax.

Now, imagine you are facing another obstacle that makes you wonder if you made up the Promised Land. What feelings rise up within you? Hope? Fear? Trust? Or Despair?

The reality of life is that we are bound, just like the Israelites, to face challenges. We don't have control over that. But we do have control over how we respond.

Despair used to be one of my default settings. And it's no surprise. I've had a challenging life. The circumstances and situations I have faced could easily point me to despair. Many of those things seemed hopeless.

But slowly, by seeing God's faithfulness, by learning to tell myself the truth, by choosing to trust in God's goodness, my tendency to despair is something I've slowly been able to overcome.

Now, when the despairing thoughts come, I replace them with truth.

When I worry about the details, I say out loud: "God will take care of me. He doesn't give His kids stones when they ask for bread. I am worth more than many sparrows."

I remember 2 Corinthians 4:8: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." Then I pray through it:

"God, help me to be perplexed, confused, but not to fall into despair. Persecuted, yes, but God, You NEVER abandon me. Struck down, but Lord, you are my strong tower, a refuge in times of trouble, an ever-present help in time of need. Lord, thank You that the lions may grow weak & hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing."

In that moment of maybe, I have a choice: despair in my circumstances or trust in my God.

As I finish up Joshua, I'm excited and apprehensive concerning not only what the Israelites will face next, but more importantly how they will choose to respond.

How will you respond today? When trials come, will you rely on your feelings to dictate your truth, or will you once again choose to trust in Your Creator, the Freedom Giver? Will you choose to believe the father of lies or the lifter of your head?

The old hymn "Before the Throne of God Above" comes to mind.

When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.

Looking up, as Joshua did, not looking at our challenges, but looking at our God. The God who hung from the cross, who gave up everything for you & me, surely He is trustworthy. Are you, as I wrote about last week, choosing to hold on to hopelessness and despair, or are you willing to unclench your fists, open your hands to God, and see what He has for you?

Freedom Friday: God's Specific Plan

I recently had an interesting conversation with a group of friends about whether or not God has a specific plan for our lives.

It seems many were brought up in a generation that was very focused on uncovering your specific "plan & purpose" that God created you for. Having prayed for years, hoping to discern this purpose, some have given up on finding it.

As you all know, I'm reading Joshua. Slowly.

I have to admit that getting in the later chapters, it can be a little tedious to read all the town names and valley names and which tribe got what land, etc.

But as I read, I can't help but think about how specific God's plan is. He spelled it out for them. It was His job to make His plan clear, not their job to somehow locate it.

I used to kill myself trying to find God's plan. I understand the brand of frustration my friends shared about. I'd get on my knees and tell God I wasn't moving until He spoke to me & told me everything I wanted to know about my future.

Then, one day, in May of 2004 while teaching at a student ministry conference, He spoke. Here is part of what He said.

"I do have a plan for you - a wonderful plan that will shock, delight and surprise you, a plan that will blow your small ambitions out of the water." He then went on to tell me I wasn't ready to hear about that plan.

This wasn't what I wanted to hear.

God spoke to my heart that day that I needed to be still and experience Him as God, that He is so different than any other relationship I've ever experienced. He called me to climb up into His lap and allow Him to change me, to lean back & rest my head against His heart so I might know & experience all the wonderful things He feels for me.

God didn't primarily want to "use" me, as in have me do great things; He primarily wanted to change me. His goal for me in that time was to deposit in my heart His love, the new identity He died to give me, and His vision for my wholeness.

It's amazing to look back on that time in my life, and see what God has done in those 7 years. When I look at His children now, I wish I could literally take what God has deposited into my heart (His deep & passionate love for each of us, His tender care & compassion, His desire to see us walk in freedom & live abundant lives) and transplant it into someone else's heart. I now do this little by little, bit by bit, through teaching, writing, and blogging. I would not be able to do that now if I hadn't allowed God to work in me for the past 7 years.

Let me be clear. I absolutely believe God has a specific plan for each of His children who call Him by name.

But we can kill ourselves (and kill our faith) trying to "find" it.

Jesus said my sheep hear my voice. Period. The God who spoke the whole world into existence can make His voice heard by you when you need to hear it.

God does not give us a road map. It would be easier in some ways if He did, but then we wouldn't have to trust in Him and cling to Him so tightly; we'd simply have to trust in the map.

I don't want to get to know a map. I want to purpose to know my Creator, the One who shaped me & formed me & laid out my life.

I'm not going to argue over whether or not God literally maps out every minute of every day. What I do know is that God created each of us with gifts & talents, passions & desires, that He wants to use in specific ways.

Rather than strive to find the map, it's been much healthier (as my friends mentioned above have also realized) for me to try and follow His commands and teachings, to love Him and continually surrender to Him, to dream, and to keep living life while doing that, rather than always seeking after the next big thing or sign. In the midst of that, as I cling to God, as I read His Word & spend time with His people, God will show me what He has for me.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

If you're looking for help discerning whether or not you are hearing God's voice, this blog post might help.

Good Friday: The Original Freedom Friday

It's Freedom Friday. It also happens to be the day many in the church celebrate Good Friday.

I wrote this on Good Friday of 2009 in my paper journal:

It's Good Friday & I'm 8 weeks pregnant.

Today is a bittersweet day. This is my 3rd pregnancy. My 1st pregnancy was relatively smooth and resulted in my beautiful son, Bear. We always hoped to have many children. Being that I was 32 at Bear's birth, we only waited just over a year before trying to have another. After less than a month, we found out on our 6th anniversary that I was pregnant again- with a baby we called Bunny Boo.

At 8 weeks pregnant, Bunny boo was lost by miscarriage.

I was pregnant again 2 months later with Monkey. I felt peace about my 3rd pregnancy, but felt bittersweet relief when I arrived at 8 weeks.

If I hadn't lost Bunny Boo, we wouldn't have been celebrating 8 weeks of pregnancy with Monkey this Good Friday.

How appropriate! This weekend, whether you call it Easter, Good Friday, Resurrection Sunday or Pascha, is also bittersweet. On Good Friday, we can celebrate and reflect because we know the end of the story. We can mourn as the disciples mourned as they watched their leader be arrested, led away, flogged, taunted, punished and murdered by crucifixion. We mourn that our sin put Him through all that. Yet we rejoice in knowing that because of God's love, He made it possible for us to have abundant & eternal life.

Thankfully, my 3rd pregnancy has a happy ending as well. I have a cute little Monkey, 17 months old, running around the yard as we speak :)

That doesn't erase the pain of the bittersweet reality of Monkey's pregnancy and Bunny Boo's loss.

We also know the end of the story we are celebrating today. Just like my 3 pregnancies, Easter does not erase the bittersweet reality of Good Friday. So before before we rush on to the Resurrection, let's sit here for a minute.

As I type this, the 100 Portraits song, "Around my Neck", plays on my iTunes. An amazing song. I'll let it speak for itself.

The cross I wear around my neck
What does it mean if it does not mean death.
Please tell me if it doesn't mean blood,
or nails, or crying or loneliness?

The cross I wear around my neck
What is if for, if it is not for breaking
And if it's not for pain, or nakedness, or hammering?

The cross I wear around my neck
is being raised above my head
I think this time it's wearing someone else
I see it drop into the ground and when it falls
I hear the sound, someone crying, "I love you!"

The cross I wear around my neck
What does it mean, if it does not mean love.
Please tell me if it doesn't sing of hope and healing,
and forgiveness?

The cross I wear around my neck
Who is it for if it is not for me, if it's not for sin,
and all my searching for the innocence?

The cross I wear around my neck
is being raised above my head
I think this time it's wearing someone else
I see it drop into the ground and when it falls
I hear the sound, someone crying, "I love you!

The cross I wear around my neck
is being raised above my head
I think this time it¹s wearing someone else
I see it drop into the ground and when it falls
I hear the sound someone screaming, "I love you!"

The cross I wear around my neck
Who is it for, if it is not for us:
the lame, the blind, the ones held captive,
and the fatherless?

What is the message of Good Friday? It's a message of surrender. Imagine if Jesus had chosen to follow His feelings & desires in the Garden that day. Where would we be? It's a message of suffering. And it's a message of hope, abundant life and mercies new every morning.

The message of the cross is the Father God crying out to a broken world, "I love you and I am willing to do whatever it takes to hold you in my arms, love you, heal you. I'm willing to give up everything I have, my Only Son, that you all may have the opportunity to be called my sons & daughters, that You no longer have to live in bondage."

"Yet it was our weaknesses he carried;
it was our sorrows that weighed him down.
And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God,
a punishment for his own sins!
But he was pierced for our rebellion,
crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole.
He was whipped so we could be healed.
All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.
We have left God’s paths to follow our own.
Yet the Lord laid on him
the sins of us all." Isaiah 53

We have freedom in Christ because Jesus did not use His own freedom to choose to step outside God's will. He instead chose to step right into His Jordan for you and for me.

How then should we respond? Take a moment to be silent. What would God have you do in response?

I challenge you today to respond with that same level of surrender. My prayer is that you, and I, will make the same declaration of trust, that we will take the next step toward living in the fullness of abundant freedom that is available to all believers.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." Amen.