Monday Morning Meditation: What's in a Name? Part 2

Friday, I shared the first half of my story. I'm sharing the second half as the Monday Morning Meditation.

I had just become a Christian. In one sense, I felt hope, but at the same time, the labels were still haunting me. Even though at the time I could not voice what was going on, I continued to spiral out of control with my eating and relationships. I was so desperate for love that I entered into a relationship with an 18 year old woman with a drug problem (I was 24 at the time). After 3 months, this woman (having been raised in a Christian home) said to me, “Listen – the Bible says you must either be hot or cold – one or the other, but not both. You can’t be a Christian and be gay.” And with that, she ended our relationship.

I threw up my arms saying, “Fine, God! I don’t want to live like this. Please take this away from me.” In many ways, He did. My attraction to women greatly lessened, but the circumstances of my life that led me in the direction of lesbianism had not changed. I felt unsure, but desperate for God.

I didn’t know that support groups existed when I was struggling. I opened up to my Christian friends about my struggle and asked for accountability. The labels were still haunting me. I found a Christian counselor who helped me to deal with my same-sex attraction, as well as my eating disorder, depression and self-injury. Romans 12:2 (NLT) says, “Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.” The labels served as a constant reminder that I truly needed my entire thought life to be transformed. It wasn’t that I had moments of feeling worthless and unlovable; in the core of my being, I was sure it was true. My counselor helped me to recognize these faulty names I had allowed to attach to me and showed me how to make them line up with what God’s Word has to say about me (2 Corinthians 10:5).

My counselor also helped me to see that I had attached all sorts of labels and names to God, most of them not true or accurate: unreachable, unloving, distant, unconcerned with my life and struggles, nit-picky, only interested in my failures, punitive, impatient, and constantly angry.

So I wrestled with God. In all honesty, I suppose, it was more like I wrestled and He waited patiently for me to realize that He is who He says He is and He will do what He has said He will do. In the Gospel of John, chapter 6, Jesus gave the disciples a particularly difficult command. Rather than trusting Jesus, quite a few of the disciples decided to stop following Him. When Jesus asked the Twelve if they would leave too, Peter responded, “Master, to whom would we go? You have the words of real life, eternal life. We’ve already committed ourselves, confident that you are the Holy One of God.” That’s how I felt. In the midst of all the questions and doubts, I already knew that I had tasted and seen that the Lord is indeed good.

A few months after surrendering my sexuality to God, I met a man through the campus ministry we both attended. Roy & I continued to be friends for 5 months, at which time we began dating. It wasn’t always an easy relationship. The grip the names had on me was loosening – but it was very slow and painful.

When we first became friends, I was drawn to his strong faith, his free spirit and love for life. I can see that my lack of physical attraction to men in general was due in part to my fear of men and the lies my mother had instilled in me. As I learned more about Roy, as I grew to trust him, and as I recognized that he wouldn’t hurt me, my natural physical attraction was allowed to surface without fear.



Roy & I have been married for 9.5 years and have two beautiful sons. Marriage is not a cure for homosexuality, or even a guarantee of happiness, but simply another part of God’s healing process in my life. I thank God that I came to a point where in my heart of hearts, I felt I had no choice but to embrace Christ and all that He required of me. But what I got in return for my obedience and hard work is an amazing godly man who loves me, unconditionally, like no woman ever did.

I also have allowed God to give me new names. Rather than feeling unlovable at my core, I know that my Father calls me beloved, cherished, in fact – His favorite. Rather than being ashamed of who I am and who I was, God calls me precious, beautiful, redeemed – He has born my shame. He calls me worth knowing, worth loving and worth creating. I am mighty in Him, delightful, created in my Father’s image and strong when I am weak. And in those moments when I feel abandoned, I remember there is nowhere I can go to flee from God’s presence, and when I feel rejected, I know I will never have to feel the rejection that my Savior felt as He hung from that cross. And my mother was right: I have been rescued from hell – not only eternally, but today, God has given me abundant life and a true freedom I never thought possible.

Isaiah 62 says “For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent, for Jerusalem’s sake I will not remain quiet, till her vindication shines out like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch. Nations will see your vindication, all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow. will be a crown of splendor in the LORD’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah,your land Beulah; for the LORD will take delight in you, and your land will be married.”

What names have you allowed to speak death to you? Do you feel stuck & helpless today as you try shed false labels?

If you are feeling hopeless, I just want to again point you to Romans 8:24 and this time, include verse 25: "Hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."

Today, I choose to embrace my new names, letting go of the labels I wore for so many years. They no longer fit, as God is making me a new creation. I choose to trust God in the process; He has yet to let me down.

Freedom Friday: What's in a Name? Part 1

This is a reprint of my testimony as printed over at Exodus International's blog.

At the Exodus conference, Kary Oberbrunner talked about your secret name, and all the names we allow to attach to ourselves throughout our lives. It reminded me of this testimony. I pray it's encouraging to you.

*******

A Christian speaker recently reminded me that words are a container for power. The book of Proverbs says “reckless words pierce like a sword”, “the words of the wicked lie in wait for blood”, and “when words are many, sin is not absent”. In the Bible, words & names are very important. Throughout my life, I allowed people and circumstances to label me, name me, and define who I am.

I was born prematurely in May of 1975. I was given a 50% chance of survival and rode in an ambulance to a hospital 50 miles away since the hospital where I was born did not have premie facilities. I was born without a name. My parents didn’t know if I would be male or female, and certainly weren’t expecting my arrival almost 2 months early. I spent the next two months, isolated in an incubator. During those years, premature babies were not touched or held. I was so sick that they ran out of places to stick needles, and had to have my head shaved for more needle ports. The names I picked up were: abandoned, rejected, unloved, shameful, worthy of pain – as good as dead.


Mohawk Baby Brenna

My mother is an alcoholic and when she drank, she would recount those days, saying‚ “You were bought from hell.” What she was trying to express to me was the trauma of my birth and the extreme circumstances I was rescued out of. What I heard, from my already broken filter, was: inconvenient, bothersome, a burden.

As a child, I even remember being hyper-focused on the lyrics to the songs my parents listened to. I’d zero in on themes of abandonment, and I carried those feelings of fear and shame into adulthood. I heard: be on your guard, you will be rejected and alone.

During my youth, my family attended liberal churches, serving on various committees and singing in choirs. I always believed in God, but it had little effect on my daily life. My mother continued to drink, ranting at me about the evils of men, what a bad child I was, and continually favoring my sister. What I heard: I was not worth protecting, the castaway, again a burden.

I began experimenting sexually with girls at a young age. This continued until, as a high school freshman, I found myself in a physical relationship with my best friend. I also developed an eating disorder and a struggle with self-injury. About a week into my high school relationship, I secretly looked up “homosexuality” in a health book. The book said that if you had attractions for someone of the same gender, then you were gay. I remember thinking, “There it is, in black and white. I am a homosexual.” I already felt: unlovable, out of control, too much and now a dyke.

The summer after my high school graduation, I was asked if I was interested in going to church with someone I met in a coffee shop. The church was quick to tell me that homosexuality was a sin that would condemn me to hell. Every night I would cry myself to sleep, praying, “God, change me! Why did you make me gay if that means I have to go to hell? Is it true that You want me to be forever separated from You?” The church I was attending did not share the hope for change that the gospel offers to those struggling with same-sex attraction. Their stance was change first: then God will accept you. In my mind, I had asked God to change me, and He hadn’t. And so I embraced my lesbian identity, all the while the labels were being reinforced: rejected, abandoned, unheard, miniscule, unlovable – even by God.

After three and a half years together, my first girlfriend and I broke up. I then met an older married woman, dropped out of college and moved across the country to live with her and her husband. She and I had a mock wedding ceremony and from then on, she introduced me as her “wife.” I lived with this couple for close to two and a half years. During this time, I was repeatedly taken advantage of by a man in my life. The names kept coming: worthless, voiceless, ashamed, only good for one thing – sex.

My “wife” and I eventually decided it would best for me to continue my schooling, so I moved to Boston to attend a prestigious music school, the same school from which my “wife” had graduated. Though I was in an environment where my sexuality was affirmed, I was far from happy. My relationship with my “wife” continued to crumble until it ended 10 months after I moved. My eating disorder spiraled out of control. I was afraid & alone.

Christians seemed to pop into my life to share with and pray for me. They never took it upon themselves to point out my sinfulness or say that I should not be a lesbian. They just pointed me to Jesus. Like everyone else, I was a sinner in need of Jesus in my life. My sexual choices were only one of many indications of this need.

Things continued to worsen. I knew that I needed help with my eating disorder, or I was going to die, but I felt I had tried everything and nothing worked. A friend in recovery suggested I try to pray. I thought, “That’s the one thing I haven’t tried!”―so I started praying.

Around this time, a friend gave me a music CD by a passionate Christian artist. One night while listening, the words of a song gripped my heart. I felt all alone, and my heart was so hard. The voice sang of a friend who was always there, with every tear cried, a friend who would give everything for him. That friend was Jesus – the son of God, who died on the cross to take away my sin, my pain, the false labels and to declare my worth. In the midst of that song, I cried out to God saying, “I want what he has!” God, in His great mercy, met me on that day in January of 1999. I felt: hopeful.

But the names did not disappear. I felt doomed to carry the labels forever. I knew logically that Jesus called me by name for a reason: freedom. At that time, I chose to hold on to hope that He had more for me.

I know many will likely connect deeply with my testimony. Your own names & labels may have been flashing through your mind. I hope you return Monday to read the second part of my testimony and experience, as I did, the truth of Romans 8:24 says, “Hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what He already has?”

Exodus Conference Follow-up: Various Articles I Mentioned

I mentioned several articles in the contexts of my various speaking engagements at the Exodus conference. It's fairly obvious the topic of some :)

These are all found on Boundless dot Org.

Out of Lesbianism

Disordered Eating

Confessions of a Cutter

Life. Support.
Creating a sufficient support system

Shedding Weight
Working on my thought life

I'll be posting my What's in a name? testimony in the next few days.

Exodus Conference Follow-up: Download My Songs

Throughout the next week or so, I'll be posting some new material and reposting some old material here that is relevant to the various things I discussed at the Exodus Freedom conference.

I stopped emphasizing the fact that I am a singer/songwriter on this blog a while ago, and I'm not positive why. Maybe I was concerned about the quality of the recordings I have, or I let my critics get to me (who at one point called my music "crappy"). I also thought I'd just wait to start sharing my music when I had more professional mp3's.

Numerous people came up to me at the conference to confirm that my songs could be found somewhere on-line. One woman emphatically said, "I need to have your songs......in my car!!!"

Well, thanks for the encouragement, folks :) I've decided to stop caring that the recording quality may not be great and simply allow God to use my songs however He sees fit.

That said, I will give a disclaimer. I gave a concert in May of 2001. Someone put a minidisc recorder in the front row of the sanctuary and recorded it (remember those things?). I made a CD out of that. That whole CD is available for free download here. Simply right-click on the individual files to download. You can also download the CD art at the above link if you want to burn yourself a CD and be all old skool :)



I shared several of my songs in the context of my testimony in one of my Exodus Freedom conference workshops. Here they are. These will all play streaming. If you want to download the first three, go here, find the song, and right-click to download.

As I Held On To Nothing
Love Is Not This
Waiting Game
You (downloadable here)

You can also purchase my testimony through CA Tapes. The mp3 is $5 & the CD is $7. The quality of the songs came through pretty well.

You can also download other random songs here, including the song I wrote for Bunny Boo, the sweet baby we lost through miscarriage.

I will close with the words of thanks to God that I used on the CD:

"[Thanks to] Jesus, for keeping me alive when all I wanted to do was die. Let me never forget what You've done for me."

To Him be the glory forever and ever, Amen.

Monday Morning Meditation: Our Heart's Unplowed Ground

I have just returned from the Exodus Freedom conference and am a bit overwhelmed by all the work I neglected while there! I also missed my family like crazy and need to spend quality time with them.

So I'm going to leave you with a brief word.

This Scripture was on my heart for much of the week. I'll let it speak for itself.

"I said, ‘Plant the good seeds of righteousness,
and you will harvest a crop of love.
Plow up the hard ground of your hearts,
for now is the time to seek the Lord,
that he may come
and shower righteousness upon you.’"
Hosea 10:12 (NLT)

"Hard ground" is also translated "fallow ground" or "unplowed ground."

I left asking myself, Do I have unplowed ground in my heart, ground that is keeping me from fully seeking the Lord?

Breaking up this hard ground allows God to come. It invites Him to shower righteousness upon us, that we may harvest a crop of His love.

I want to have a soft heart that is completely receptive to all God has for me, and all He desires me to do.

Ask the Lord today if you have unplowed ground in your heart.

Feelings: Dictator or Indicator?

I mentioned this article at my workshop yesterday here at the Exodus conference. Posting it for you all to consider. First published in early 2010.

Feelings: Dictator or Indicator?

It had been a challenging morning. With a 2 ½ year old & an under 6 month old, I was still adjusting to life with 2 kids. I was feeling frustrating, overwhelmed & impatient. And it wasn't even 9 AM yet!

I generally would have just gone & hid when feeling this way, , but in a moment of uncharacteristic wisdom, I stopped, bowed my head, and prayed, “God, just help me. Help me to be patient today, to be more like You.” And God answered.

God reminded me that in such moments I have a choice. I have a choice in how I respond to my feelings. I can allow them to be a dictator or an indicator. I can choose to allow my feelings to dictate the truth of my reality (if a situation feels hopeless, then things are hopeless because that's how I feel) OR I can allow them to indicate some truth about my reality (if I'm feeling overwhelmed & without hope, my feelings indicate something, for instance that I'm likely disconnected and needing a break).

Jesus was in touch with his emotions. He wept with Mary & Martha as they mourned for their brother Lazarus. He rejoiced with the disciples as He watched them learn and grow. He became irate when He saw God's temple being misused. And compassion welled up in His heart as He looked out at the crowds He was teaching, as they looked “harassed and helpless” (Matthew 9:6).

Since we are created in the image of God, we also are created to be emotional. Emotions are generally a very good thing. We get scared when we encounter danger. The adrenaline starts pumping, and it helps us to act quickly. We hang around people who are fun because they bring us joy and make us smile. We responded to God’s tugging on our hearts not simply because the Gospel made sense, but because His kindness led us to repentance (Romans 2:4). God commanded us to love Him with our hearts. He also asked us to rejoice with those rejoicing, and mourn with those in mourning.

For a long time in my life, how I felt about myself dictated my feelings of worth. If I felt good about myself, then I was happy. If I said something stupid, then I would dwell on it for hours, even days, and call myself an idiot over and over. I also allowed how I felt to dictate who God is. If I felt that God loved me, then He loved me. If I felt rejected, then He must have rejected me. If I felt ashamed, then God must be ashamed of me. If I was in a sticky situation and I felt as if God weren’t helping me in the way I wanted Him to, then He obviously felt I wasn’t worth wasting His time on. In other words, I allowed my feelings to be dictators, rather than indicators.

We could apply these truths to many areas of our lives. I know as a young person, I was rather taken aback by the feelings I was having toward a close female friend. I remember reading about homosexuality in a health & sex book I found, trying to make sense of what I was experiencing. In the book, it said that if you had attractions for someone of the same gender, and especially if you acted on them, then you were gay. I remember thinking, “There it is, in black & white. I must be a homosexual.” This book reinforced the lie that my feelings dictated my reality.

Since becoming a Christian 11 years ago, I've slowly been realizing the place emotions are meant to take in my life. God's recent reminder that feelings can be indicators or dictators is evidence that I'm still working this truth out. The struggle manifests itself in different ways these days. I know that God is present and working in my life, and that it would go against His character to not be faithful & good & trustworthy. Most of all, I know my worth was defined once & for all by the fact that God created me and that Jesus died on the cross for me. Yet at times, I still struggle with feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I'm the mother of two small children who also directs a ministry – of course I'm going to feel overwhelmed at times. But I have a choice about where I allow my thoughts to go with that feeling. If I allow feeling overwhelmed to dictate my reality, then I start feeling like the worst mother in the world, that I'm in over my head, wishing I could jump back in bed and hide for the rest of the day. If I instead choose to allow my feelings to be indicators, I might instead realize that I haven't had a break for a while, the kids are stir crazy, and maybe I'd set us all up for success if we went to the playground for a while. Then I'd plan ahead for the evening and decide I'll go out for a child-less cup of tea after my husband gets home.

Jesus clearly expressed His emotions, but He also kept those emotions in the proper place. Imagine the emotions He was feeling as He poured out His heart to His Father in the Garden of Gethsemane. Now imagine if Jesus had allowed His feelings in the Garden to be dictators, if He prayed, “God, this is too much for me! This is completely overwhelming. There's no way I can go through with this, God, so you're going to have to find someone else!” Where would that have left us? Instead, His final prayer was, “Not my will, but Yours.” He chose not to allow His feelings and fears to be dictators, but instead poured them out before His Father and trusted Him with the result.

As Jesus modeled for us in the Garden of Gethsemane, just because we experience intense feelings doesn’t mean that we're meant to be driven by them or to live according to them alone. We'll be given an opportunity to experience this choice every day, as we're faced with life and the inevitable challenges it brings. In those moments, we can allow our feelings to dictate the mood of our day and the direction that mood will take us, or we can view our feelings of indicators, submitting them to God and allowing Him to direct our day. We always have a choice in how we respond.

Freedom Friday: Brenna Kate Simonds at Exodus Freedom Conference, on Minnesota Public Radio

I'm at the Exodus Freedom Conference. The theme this year is "Made for More." As I write this, we're not even 24 hours in, and I'm already amazed at all God is doing.

On Wednesday afternoon, I had the opportunity to be interviewed by Laura Yuen for Minnesota Public Radio.

The interview aired this morning. You can listen to it here, or read the text of the article, which is almost a word-for-word transcript of the story.

I am asked frequently about repression. It seems to be a favorite question for those trying to understand why someone who experiences same-sex attraction would make a daily choice not to act on those feelings.

I think Ethan Martin explained it so succinctly in his Wednesday night testimony (not an exact quote): "Jesus gave up His sexuality for me. He could have been married by age 33, but instead He was dying on a cross."

This is a theme that has continued to come up at the conference, though I gave my interview prior to the conference start. Sacrifice. Pursuing Jesus above all else. Surrender. Laying down everything for Jesus.

Too often, we focus on what we have to give up and sacrifice to follow Jesus. What about all that we gain?

When I am asked about repression, I try to turn the question around. Jesus gave up everything for me. God spared no expense to restore relationship with me. The things I want to hold on to pale in comparison to what Jesus did and accomplished while hanging from that cross.

It is a privilege to follow Jesus. An absolute honor. Rather than focus on the things I may have had to release to Jesus in order to follow Him, I choose to focus on all the things I've gained. Unconditional love, real peace, pure joy, abundant life, and true freedom.

Last week, I mentioned this Freedom Friday would be about owning your choices. I am postponing the writing of that until next week. Thanks for understanding!

Freedom Friday: The God Who Sustains

We are back from the conference! It was an amazing time, refreshing and yet tiring (I'm sure being in the car 24 hours over the course of 3 days added to that!). There is a lot to think about & reflect on. In addition to that, there are several situations within my circles of family & friends that require lots of prayer & attention.

Yesterday, as I leaned against our chest freezer, wondering what to make for dinner, I became keenly aware that God alone is my Sustainer. I went to a Bible search tool to remind myself of Scriptures that speak to this.

I came across a gem:

"You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great." Psalm 18:35

Since returning home, Holland Davis's words on the last night of the conference have been at the forefront of my mind (he lead worship). He reminded us that the devil comes to kill, steal & destroy, and prayed that we would not allow him to take away from us what God did in us at the conference.

So I've been praying for myself and others, that whatever God spoke and/or called us to at the conference, that we would stand firm and tell Satan he has no power in our lives. That we would obey what God has called us to & the areas He may have challenged us in.

But I was missing an important piece.

I am now also praying that God the Sustainer would fulfill His Word, being confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in us will perfect it (also translating "carry it on to completion") until the day of Christ Jesus (Phil. 1:6).

The God who leaned down to earth, who stooped down, to rescue us & make us great.

God is our Sustainer. But we need to accept His gift of sustenance. We need to allow Him to maintain and nurture those things He's deposited into our hearts.

"For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:6-7

I need to be reminded that Satan wants to steal God's best out from under me, just like he did in the Garden of Eden. Satan's power is limited; God's power is unlimited.

So my prayer for all of us today is that we would continue to cling to Jesus, that we would allow God to sustain and preserve the good work He has begun in us, that we would be aware of the work of Satan, but not intimidated by him.

God is Sustainer.

Read these Scriptures. Pray through them. Memorize them. Devour them. Soak them in.

Psalm 54:4
Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.

Psalm 55:22
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

Psalm 89:21
My hand will sustain him; surely my arm will strengthen him.

Psalm 119:116
Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.

Psalm 119:175
Let me live that I may praise you, and may your laws sustain me.

Psalm 146:9
The LORD watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow, but he frustrates the ways of the wicked.

Psalm 147:6
The LORD sustains the humble but casts the wicked to the ground.

Freedom Friday: Keeping Up the Pursuit

This blog post is coming to you from the Exodus International Freedom Conference! What a fantastic time we are having here. Gifted speakers, amazing worship leaders, and good friends.

I'll be speaking to a group today and teaching a workshop tomorrow. But first, a short Freedom Friday.

As I read Judges yesterday, a short verse jumped out at me:

Gideon and his three hundred men, exhausted yet keeping up the pursuit, came to the Jordan and crossed it.

Judges is interesting, challenging and at times convicting to read. The book of Joshua had just ended, full of victory and promise. The Israelites had finally come into the promised land! But despite warnings from God & Joshua, the Israelites almost immediately began to follow other gods. Fast forward a few chapters, and that's why they were in this position with Gideon, described in the above verse, of pursuing their enemies: because they stopped pursing the One True God.

Why? Why did they leave behind the God who had shown Himself to be faithful over & over? Were the gods in the Promised Land that alluring? Were they pressured by the people they were living among to try out these other gods?

We don't know exactly. Judges 2:10-11 simply says, "After that whole generation had been gathered to their fathers, another generation grew up, who knew neither the LORD nor what he had done for Israel. Then the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the LORD and served the Baals."

Are you tired of following God? Weary of doing the right thing? Has following after God at times exhausted you?

God knew that doing the right thing, choosing to act like a free person, clinging to Him would not always be easy. 2 Thessalonians 3:13 says, "Dear brothers and sisters, never get tired of doing good."

Galatians 6:8-10 says, "Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up."

The theme of this week's conference is The Reality of Grace. Generally, about half of the people here at these conferences are first-time attendees. They are truly stepping into their Jordan. I've talked to numerous people whose worlds have been rocked by what is being shared here. My world was rocked backed in 2004 at an Exodus conference when I first truly considered the reality of living in grace. Grace is a breath of fresh air to a weary, striving soul.

Something we hear in Exodus circles quite a bit is that the opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality; it's holiness.

I have to ask, if the pursuit has you weary, what are you pursuing? Are you pursuing freedom from temptation? If so, it's no wonder you are tired! We will always be tempted in some way. The Bible does not promise freedom from temptation. Even Jesus was tempted, but He did not sin.

Or are you pursuing God and all He has for you?

If it's the latter, the Bible promised that if we continue to choose God, to dive deep into Him, we will reap a harvest.

It will pay off. It will be worth it.

God is calling you to Himself because the desire of His heart is to see you become the person He created you to be. He wants to be known by us, known for who He truly is.

If you are weary today, pull out your encouragement file. Ask someone to pray for you. Take some time alone with God and reflect on the words of Jesus in John 16, where He says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Ask God to show you His perspective through His eyes.

And remember the words of Paul, in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Thank You, God, for inward renewal, renewal that Your Word says is happening, even when we can't see it. Thank You for loving us enough to reach out when we were running from You. And help us to learn to run to You, to cling to You, to dive deep into You, even when the pursuit has us weary. We love You, Lord. We pray in the mighty, powerful, awesome name of Your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Freedom Friday: Do You Really Know God?

I am a Judges slacker.

I have lots of good reasons, as we are leaving tomorrow (I'm writing this Thursday) for a road trip that will end at the Exodus Freedom conference (at which I will speak). I've been preparing my workshop, along with packing all the stuff we will need for all those hours in the car & all those meals out (kids with food sensitivities, after all).

So, I'm going to briefly share about something else that's been on my heart. More Judges later.

At the conference, I'll be giving my "Learning to Walk in Freedom" teaching to just the women attendees. Though when I was initially asked to tailor my talk for women, I was excited by the possibility! And I still am.

As I began to re-work my talk for this specific audience, I just happened to be reading chapter 7 in "Breaking Free", a book I mentioned in my hopelessness post. The chapter is entitled "The Divine Caricature".

It asks the question, "Do you really know God?" Do you really know His attributes, His character?

Step 1 of learning to walk in freedom is to spend time with the freedom giver. As I re-read what I've said on this topic, the following excerpt from "Divine or Distorted? God As We Understand God" by Jerry Seiden came to mind:

One day as I walked through my favorite park, I recited the 12 Steps as was my custom. This day I stopped at Step Three: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." Something inside me asked, "Who do you understand God to be?" I responded by reciting all the wonderful characteristics of God, but the voice within me said, "No! That's what you've been told about God in school and in books. Tell me what you really believe God to be."

Just as if a dam broke in my heart and mind, I began to cry, grit my teeth, and curse. I was angry. I believed deep inside that God was unconcerned with my life, unforgiving of my sin, impatient with my weaknesses, intolerant of my failures, very angry with me, and more. I believed I deserved all of God's wrath and nothing of his grace. Nothing good could or should happen to me. I wept until I was ashamed.

Then came silence followed by that voice in my heart again. It was God's voice. It said, "You have described yourself and the way you treat yourself. And I am not like you. I am none of those things."

"You thought I was altogether like you!" These are God's words, found in Psalm 50:21.

When you envision your Heavenly Father, do you imagine an angry man with furrowed brow, wagging His finger from up in heaven, waiting to punish you at any mistake? Or do you imagine a caring Father, who is slow to anger, quick to run to you with love, even in your pain & brokenness?

Do you know who God is? Who He really is?

The prodigal son, when he was close to his father, living near him & spending his days with him, knew his father's character. He knew that if he went to his father & asked for his inheritance, it would be given to him. As he walked further and further away from his home, through distance and action, he slowly lost sight of the nature of his father's character, to the point where when he decided to go back, he thought the best that could happen would be to become a hired man.

Have you lost sight of God's true nature? Or maybe you never really knew it & are only learning who God really is now?

For some of us, it might be more accurate to say we think God is like our parents or other authority figures who were imperfect (just as I am) or maybe even mistreated us. The New Living Translation says in Numbers 23:19 "God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through?"

Do you know who God is? Who He really is? Do you know the nature of His character? If not, will you allow yourself to absorb the truth of Scripture & what it says about His relationship with you and His heart for you?

I will likely next be posting from the Exodus conference. Hope to see you there!

Freedom Fridays: Embrace Grace, Part 2

Hope you all survived last week's Freedom Friday break! I actually meant to post something brief, but the cold I had been fighting for 5 days worsened - and I'm still sick! But I'm going to push through and post anyway :)

So brief recap from 2 weeks ago:
Understanding grace is key to learning to walk in freedom.

A few years into my Christian walk, I realized that while I believed in my heart that I was saved by grace alone, I was demonstrated a different core belief through my actions: Through rules and my own effort, I could overcome my life-controlling issues.

Let me tell you from experience that trying to be free through rules and human effort doesn't and won't work. In fact, it injects you into a cycle that makes YOU responsible for your own healing. I've found it only heaped shame and condemnation on my head when I messed up.

So how do we overcome the cycle of sin? And what does God want us to do when we struggle? Does He want us to walk around like a dog, with our tail between our legs? Or should we beat ourselves up for a certain amount of time, the amount of time being in direct proportion with the seriousness of our sin?

Of course it sounds ridiculous when I put it that way, but you know you've done it!

As I realized the futility of what I was doing in response to my struggles, that not only does it not work, but it’s actually not Biblical, a friend gently suggested I begin to more thoroughly explore what grace is.

I go to a charismatic type of church in a denomination with a holiness background. The denomination as a whole has a history of really liking rules :) My church is quite grace-based and doesn't have any weird rules, but I've heard of churches where in order to serve in any capacity, you have to sign agreements that you won't drink alcohol, watch R-rated movies and other extra-Biblical rules. Some of the rules may be a good idea (I don't drink, for instance, since I have alcoholism in my family), but they are not matters of Biblical mandate, but rather personal conviction.

In any event, I remember when I first heard Clark Whitten preach a thorough sermon on grace at the Exodus Freedom Conference in 2004 (he followed it up with another teaching on the law). Honestly, as I sat there, I didn't believe what he was saying. I mean, he was quoting the Bible, and using the verses in context. It seemed to line up with what I knew about God and what His Word says about grace. But I couldn't see past all the rules I had set up in my life.

Grace just sounded too good to be true.

“When you preach grace, unless your conscience accuses you of license, you haven’t preached grace.” Martyn Lloyd-Jones

Grace really is too good to be true. Maybe that's why we try to accomplish through rules & own own effort. Yet God is very clear in how He expects us to react when we mess up:
Hebrews 4:16 (NKJV)

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

God doesn't react to our struggles and sin in the "angry fire darts from heaven" way that we think He does. Sin says something about the condition of our hearts, and ultimately, God just wants our hearts.

Look at the Pharisees. Isaiah 29:13:

These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men.

Externally, they seemed to do everything right. They followed all the rules, but they wouldn’t give God their hearts.

What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it?

I’m not teaching some sort of loosey-goosey sloppy grace message where sin doesn’t matter because it’s all covered by the blood anyways. That’s not what I’m saying at all.

The Bible is clear: rules have no power to restrain. Human effort will fail us.

Clark Whitten says “The greatest constraining power on earth against sin in your life is love.” The only thing that has the power to restrain us from sin is truly knowing, understanding and experiencing His love and grace. When we have a full grasp of His love and His grace and just who He is and what He’s done, we don’t want to hurt Him. We are less and less tempted to sin because we love Him, because we have experienced His grace and know His tender heart for us.

God wants to connect with our hearts! He wants us to know and believe that He really is Jehovah Jireh, the God who provides, and He really can meet our needs. That through His grace, we really can learn to experience freedom from our life-controlling issues.

There may be a part 3 to this post. I guess you'll find out next week :)

Regional Conference Update

What an amazing conference we had this past weekend! Union Center Christian Church could not have been more warm and welcoming. They had an amazing crew of volunteers (140+), a truly talented music team for me to work with (you guys rock!), and a great turn-out (as of Friday night, including walk-ins, 215+ were registered for the conference). And Joe Dallas was encouraging and challenging as usual. My testimony was well-received, and I got a ton of great feedback about the songs I shared.

One of my favorite things about Exodus conferences is reconnecting with old friends! You know who you are :)

For those of you who are looking for the lyrics to the songs I wrote, here they are, including one recording (I hope to have the other 2 up soon - will let you know when they are posted). If it's easier to just download the chord sheets as a document, I have some of my worship songs posted here. They are free for your use, but please do give me credit, as they are protected by copyright.

And here is an iPhone picture from the rear lobby, where my husband Roy was sitting with the baby, and the words of my song on the big screen. Fun to see :)

Boston Exodus Training and the Protestors

Earlier this week, Alive in Christ (the ministry I direct), Park Street Church (the church that hosts the ministry) and Exodus International (the organization of which Alive in Christ is a member) hosted a Boston training event for pastors, ministry leaders, seminary students, educators, and counselors on how to respond to the issue of homosexuality with biblical truth and compassion.

We knew there was a protest scheduled during the day, with well-known speakers and gay activists attending, such as Wayne Besen and Arlene Isaacson. We had several protesters come to the meeting and stand up in the middle of speaking sessions to "demonstrate"; I'll spare you the details :)

One side of the room we were meeting in is completely covered in windows. Outside the windows is a historic cemetery that tourists walk through. A group of probably 20-30 protesters came up to the windows to scream loudly at us through a bullhorn and try and take pictures of the attendees. They shouted some mantras, such as "Exodus, Exodus, Quack, Quack, Quack! You can't change gays; that's a fact!" and "Ex-gay, no way! Don't believe a word they say!" It's fairly clear from those two statements that they really have no idea what we were talking about in the training or the even the mission of Exodus. That is even more clear if you watch some of the footage of the continued protest and the words of the speakers.

As I was thinking about the anti-Exodus protesters leading up to the conference, I realized they are sort of missing the point. The problem in their minds is Exodus; if they could shut Exodus down somehow, the problem is solved. But Exodus didn't form for the sake of Exodus; Exodus was created because people all over the United States were seeking out this type of ministry. People were not satisfied with the label of "born gay" that was slapped on them.

The protesters need to realize that shutting down Exodus will not change the need - the need in people's heart for a different answer, for a different life. They may not experience that need, but that will not change the fact that thousands of others, like myself, desired to be obedient to what we saw in God's Word and what we felt He was calling us to do. And when we were willing to surrender that area of our lives to God, when we were willing to do whatever it would take to walk in obedience to Him, what He gave us in return was far better than anything we could ever have imagined.

Secrets

A ministry colleague & friend of mine wrote this great article with the working title "I've Got a Secret" (it had a much longer title when published!).

Imagine what it would be like to be free of the fear that someone might discover our secrets. Imagine what the world would see if it saw the Church being real, and saw the powerful presence of God as the church worshipped in total honesty with hearts unencumbered by secrets. Imagine how many marriages might be saved and addictions diverted and damage contained if we shared our struggles sooner rather than later.

This article really hit home for me personally. I walked away from reading it asking myself how is it that we can go through such difficult things (for me, not just same-sex attraction, but an eating disorder & self-injury), and yet with today's trials & struggles, I'm still tempted to hide them until I have them all figured out? I wonder at what point in my life, if ever, I'll feel comfortable just saying, in the appropriate context, what I'm dealing with.

You think I'd have this figured out by now! I definitely need to think on this more.

Sunday Conference Update

On Saturday morning, there was a panel discussion involving Alan Chambers (President of Exodus), Randy Thomas (Vice President off Exodus), Terri Brown (Director of Exodus Membership & mom to a gay man) & Janet Boynes (she had shared her testimony of overcoming same-sex attraction that morning). People in the audience wrote questions on index cards, handed them to the panel, and then the panel answered different questions, such as, 'Would you attend same-sex marriage?” “How do I know if I'm called to singleness or marriage?” and “How do I interact with my loved one's partners?” It was quite interesting.

After lunch, I went to a workshop entitled, “Building Ministries on Solid Foundations”. Ron Elmore from “Beyond Imagination” was the speaker. I did have the opportunity to ask a couple of questions, so that was good. After that, we attended a Special Interest Group for those who attend Assemblies of God churches, to hear updates on what's happening in the denomination as it pertains to this issue.

In the evening, Dale Evrist, pastor of New Song, a Foursquare church in the Nashville area, spoke on “Stepping Into a New Day of Intimacy & Freedom”. It was based off of Luke 7:36-50:

36Now one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, so he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. 37When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, 38and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.
39When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner."
40Jesus answered him, "Simon, I have something to tell you."
"Tell me, teacher," he said.
41"Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. 42Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?"
43Simon replied, "I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled."
"You have judged correctly," Jesus said.
44Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. 46You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. 47Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."
48Then Jesus said to her, "Your sins are forgiven."
49The other guests began to say among themselves, "Who is this who even forgives sins?"
50Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace."

His 7 steps we need to take are:
1. Authentic Humility
2. Thorough Brokenness
3. Abounding Love
4. Extravagant Giving
5. Selfless Servanthood
6. Honest Assessment
7. Rapid Response

It really was inspiring. I wish I could write more, but it's time for breakfast & then we're off to hear Randy speak :)

Testimony

My testimony went well; it was well-received, and I got a lot of positive feedback.

Jimmy Evans of Marriage Today spoke after me about many good things, including "The Fig Leaf Conspiracy", which he has written a book on.

A couple of his thought-provoking points:
The devil has corrupted our understanding of sex.
The devil left man alone until he got married. He uses our sexuality to pervert our relationships.

Get the book:)

I really wanted to goo to Randy's workshop, but we needed to come back to the room for a quick diaper change & baby refuel. I sent one of my ministry friends in my place. My workshop is at 1:30. I'll let you know how it goes later.

We made it!

And in one piece! Bear did great on the plane & in the car ride after.

And we have wifi in our room, which is good because I needed to re-read my instructions about sharing my testimony in the morning.

It's great to be here, reconnecting with friends I haven't seen in a while.

And now Bear needs me.

Right before the conference...

We got rear-ended today. And Bear was in the car :(

It was minor, but I saw it coming & braced myself.

It made me realize that every time I've been rear-ended (this is #4), it's within a day or two of an Exodus conference.

Coincidence? I don't think so.

Prayers for safety would be appreciated.

Coming Out

I'm taking a short break from our preparations to share something that has been on my heart for a few days.

Some of you know me as friend, cousin, family member, singer, songwriter, worship leader, random blogger, crunchy treehugger, spinach-chugging cook, gentle hippie mom, food enthusiast, minister, encourager, pray-er.

What you may not know is that I am what some people refer to as "ex-gay".

You may have figured this out long ago if you clicked on some of the links on my blog. Or maybe my recent posts about the upcoming conference gave it away.

The reason I've been hesitant to bring this up is - well, there are quite a few. But there are 2 main reasons.

1. This is not an "ex-gay" blog. My purpose for starting this blog was to talk about my life, which of course involves the ministry that I do & am very passionate about, but that's not the only thing, or even the main thing, that I wanted to talk about.

2. I don't like putting that out there as the 1st thing people know about me.

That may sound as if I'm ashamed of my past or my present. No, I'm not ashamed, though I wish sometimes that I had made different choices. The problem with sharing with people what I do for ministry is that they jump to conclusions based on it. I won't dive too deep into that, but I am many things, and the fact that I was gay-identified for a decade is just one of many things that has shaped on some level who I am today.

I'm bringing this up now because I may be live-blogging from the conference. And I figured it was as good a time as any :)

Really, I just want people to know me as Brenna Kate Simonds, not based on some label and the baggage it carries. I tell people when they ask about the ministry that I'm really just an average person. I don't have an agenda; I just help people who want my help.

End of story :)

If you didn't know this about me and it bothers you on some level, I hope you will give me a chance. I really am just an ordinary person who serves an extraordinary God.

My Book, Smoothies, & Life

I was inspired by one of my friends in Exodus who recently signed a book deal that I should be more consistent in working on my book. He said he was working on it for a year before he got picked up by a publisher. So yesterday morning, while Bear napped on my lap, I worked on my book. I already have a loose intro written, as well as an outline of about 18 chapters, some of which may eventually be cut, depending on the format I choose for the final version. I went through various talks I've given during my days doing campus ministry with Chi Alpha, as well as Exodus, & articles & devotionals I've written and pulled information from those, cutting & pasting them into the appropriate chapters. I ended up with over 50 pages of material! So that felt good to make all that progress :)

I also just really enjoyed reading over some of my old talks & teachings. I really struggled with those early talks, whereas now I'm much more comfortable preaching & teaching. But even though I struggled with writing & giving them, some of them had important things to say - if I do say so myself.

Yesterday, I was out of spinach, but in an effort to maintain my green smoothie streak, I used broccoli & kale as my greens. Um, let's just say I don't recommend it, unless you have a more powerful blender than I do. It was so thick it took me several hours to drink it.