Freedom Friday: Watch For God

Have you ever noticed that sometimes, God gets our attention in the strangest ways?

So often, we beg for God's guidance in a situation.

We ask for a sign. We generally have an idea of what that sign might look like.

Yet, all around us, God is speaking to us. He has His hand on our situation, guiding us, directing us, but we're so busy looking for a particular sign that we miss Him completely.

I was at a Spin class yesterday morning, and I noticed the man in front of me had the word "God" on his wristband. I strained my eyes to see if I could decipher exactly what it said.

The message of the bracelet?

Watch for God.

Image from ebay.com

Before Spin, I had been reading 1 Corinthians 2 (finally done with Jeremiah!). I prayed on my run over to the gym: for myself, for others, for God to be revealed in my life and the lives of my family. You can read the whole chapter here. But a few verses caught my heart:

"But it was to us that God revealed these things by his Spirit. For his Spirit searches out everything and shows us God’s deep secrets." verse 10

God's deepest desire is that we know who He created us to be. He longs to reveal His perfect will to us. Yet we often pray as if we somehow have to beg in order to get God to speak loudly and clearly enough for us to hear.

God spoke to me through that bracelet. He said, Watch for me. I am working, always and everywhere. Open your eyes. I am calling you to hope (Eph 1:18).

The passage continues:

"No one can know a person’s thoughts except that person’s own spirit, and no one can know God’s thoughts except God’s own Spirit. And we have received God’s Spirit (not the world’s spirit), so we can know the wonderful things God has freely given us." verses 11-12

God has freely given us so much.
His Son (Jn 3:16-17).
His life (Jn 3:16-17).
His Spirit (Acts 1:8).
His joy (Gal 5:22).
His peace (Jn 14:27).
His mind (2 Cor 2:16).

Today, I encourage you. Watch for God. He calls you "beloved." He calls you "mine." He says, "You are my favorite!"

God is working around you, in you and through you. Watch for Him.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

Freedom Friday: He's Coming for a Pure Bride

On October 14th (yes, the day after the marathon), I spoke at a church north of Boston as part of their series on the book of Revelation (the text for the day was Revelation 2:18-29). It was a slightly different version of my testimony, focusing on the importance of purity and embracing weakness, and I thought I'd share it here.

I was born prematurely in May of 1975. I spent my early months, isolated in an incubator, as premature babies were not touched or held. Those first months seemed to set the tone for the rest of my life. I have distinct memories of songs and stories that scared me as a child. I'd zero in on themes of abandonment with great fear, sure that at any moment, I would be alone.

I began experimenting sexually with girls at a young age. As a high school freshman, I began a physical relationship with my female best friend. I looked up "homosexuality" in a health book. The book said that if you had attractions for someone of the same gender, then you were gay. I remember thinking, "There it is, in black and white. I am a homosexual."

For the next decade, I had several long-term and short-term relationships with women. I was not happy. At age 22, I found myself at music school in Boston. It was there I started learning more about Jesus. Christians seemed to start coming out of nowhere to share about His love. They never took it upon themselves to say that I should not be a lesbian. Like everyone else, I was a sinner in need of Jesus in my life. My sexual behavior was only one of many indications of this need.

My life spiraled out of control in many areas, not only my sexual identity, as I also had an eating disorder and a struggle with self-injury. A friend gave me a CD by a passionate Christian artist. His voice sang of a friend who was always there, a friend who would give everything for him. That friend is Jesus. In the midst of that song, I cried out to God saying, "I want what he has!" God, in His great mercy, met me on that day in January of 1999.

I had one more lesbian relationship after Jesus became Lord of my life. I felt stuck. Was it really even possible to break free of the chains that still held my life in so many ways, and give myself fully to my relationship with Jesus Christ? I eventually said yes to God after my girlfriend broke up with me.

Some days were a moment-by-moment practice of surrender. I went to a Christian counselor who helped me transform my life and my thoughts. God made it clear that I was to share my story. His power, perfected in my weakness, is also perfected when I boast in those weaknesses. I eventually married. And yet, purity is still a daily embrace, a moment-by-moment decision.

That is not to say I still struggle with same-sex attraction at the level of intensity I did 12.5 years ago when I finally surrendered my sexuality to God. I don't. But every day, I'm faced with the same choice as all of you, no matter what you struggle with. It's a choice as to whether or not I will trust God in the face of uncertainty. And those times where I don't choose to trust, I find myself longing to trust in other things, whether it be food or envy and greed.

The lyrics of a song have gripped my heart recently:
He's coming for a pure bride.What are you doing when no one is watching? Children get your hearts right. God's coming for a pure bride!

Just the magnitude of His holiness inspires me to choose Him, to make the right choice when no one's watching, even if no one besides God would ever know. Today, I do not obey God out of a place of fear, or a worry that His feelings for me are somehow as fickle as mine often are. I obey God out of a deep, deep place of love, respect and complete abandon to the God who spared no expense to rescue me.

He's coming for a pure bride.

Freedom Friday: Will I Choose to Love?

I first heard the song "Legacy" at a mom's group I attended.  A member had lost her battle with cancer, and her friends put together a slide show to celebrate her life with all of us.

I wanna leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?

It hit close to home.

I've mentioned here in passing that I have a dear loved one battling terminal illness.  A week ago today, he lost his 12-year battle with cancer, but won the race of life and was received into Jesus' arms.

My dad.

His joyous smile

When my parents divorced, my father was awarded primary custody of me and my older sister.  I was already living with him and continued to do so throughout high school and into college.

Prepping to walk me down the aisle

My father was such a role model to me. What I've learned since his death is the impact his life had on so many others.

The comments that have come have been truly astounding. His generosity, humor, fullness of life.  His magnetic presence, his joy, his clear love for his family (including my mom's 9 brothers and sisters, as my dad was like an older brother to them).

My dad lived a life that impacted far more people than he likely ever realized. He was a role model to many.

I don't remember hearing him say an unkind word about anyone. He was not one to complain. Even to the end, he alternated telling jokes with displaying his concern for his loved ones.

Did I choose to love?

He wasn't perfect, of course.  Neither am I.  We certainly had bumps in our relationship.  But I can honestly say that my grief over his passing is not at all complicated by some of the questions that plague many who lose a parent.  I know he loved me and my sister deeply and was overflowing with pride at what our lives had become.

I just wish he didn't have to leave so soon.

My father never failed to ask a store clerk, "How's your day going?" with all sincerity.  He even would ask the nurses and doctors this during his long cancer battle, even when the situation was an emergency, or he was in a lot of pain (I witnessed this myself when I accompanied him to the emergency room).

He once shared with my stepmom that some people aspire to greatness in their lives; he aspired to goodness. This is what he instilled into me from a young age.

This is the legacy he chose to leave behind.

There were other things instilled in me from a young age, though not by my father. Venomous things that taught me to emphasize people's flaws, to expect perfection of myself and others, that taught me not to trust.

Sometimes that venomous voice is so loud I cannot hear anything else. It's also insidious. I'm only now starting to recognize the hold it still has on my thoughts.

What legacy will I leave?  Will I choose to love?

On the days when it's hard to breathe, the days when I can't imagine taking another step without my dad around to see, I remember his strength battling cancer, I remember his kindness and huge heart.  I remember his daily choice to love.

Oh, Lord, let that be my legacy.....

Dad, thank you for all you taught me, even if it was taught through silence (a skill I need to work on!). While I grieve that you were only here 64 years, I rejoice for the 37 1/2 (exactly to the day) years you spoke into my life. You had an amazing heart, and I can only pray that my life will be a light to many as yours was.  I miss you so much.  But since you are in heaven, give Bunny Boo and Grammy a hug for me, and could you please tell Keith Green I said, "hi"?

Freedom Friday: His Goodness

Folks, I have a Freedom Friday post brewing for you.

But we've had to leave town suddenly to be with a loved one who is facing the end of life.

And my kids had food dye for the 1st time in a while, and my 2 year-old is literally bouncing off the walls, screaming, "It's fun time!" over and over, swinging from the long curtains in this extended stay suite, and riding down the table leg as if it's a fire pole.

I'm not kidding.

I just pray for you that you'd know how good God is. So often I doubt His goodness, and yet He is faithful to His promises.

I finished the marathon.  Barely.

For the kids at Happy Horizons Children's Ranch.

And I'm learning to let go of someone I love so dearly and feel I desperately need.  Jesus is waiting for him.

I am so thankful and so heartbroken.  And yet, God is faithful.  He's amazing.

Be back soon. I promise :)

Freedom Friday: For The Kids

I need your help, readers.

We often talk about freedom in this blog in terms of being free from metaphorical chains of bondage.  Or the freedom to be who God created us to be.

There are other kinds of freedom and other kinds of bondage.

It is believed that there are currently 21 million people worldwide caught in slavery (forced labor). Approximately 50% of trafficking victims are children, most of whom are caught in sex slavery.

Tomorrow, I will run 26.2 miles for those who can't speak for themselves.

Will you join me?  

You can help by praying.  I have pain in my right leg due to what is likely tendonitis.  I also have been having some shin pain this week.  I am just, in general, not a natural when it comes to running.

The kids need your prayers, too.

I am running for the kids.  For those still caught in sex trafficking and those trying to climb their way out.

I will share more on Monday.  But pray for us. And pray about giving.  Don't just look at your finances or circumstances and decide you're not able to give.  Pray.  

This is a general admonition, even if I weren't fundraising.  So often we wait until we have extra in order to give, but don't stop to pray as to how God would have us respond. I do it as well.  

And He sat down opposite the treasury, and began observing how the people were putting into the treasury; and many rich people were putting in large sums. A poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which amount to a cent. Calling His disciples to Him, He said to them, “Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all the contributors to the treasury; for they all put in out of their surplus, but she, out of her poverty, put in all she owned, all she had to live on.” Mark 12:41-44

This widow did not wait; she gave.

The God I love and serve didn't wait until He had extra to give extravagantly.  

He gave His Only.

This is not to say we should enter into giving lightly.  We need to hear God speak to our hearts, but our hearts need to first ask and then be willing to respond.

I've responded to God's call, to give of my time, money and physical resources to run for those who can't.

Thank you for your prayers.

Lord, help me to give extravagantly this weekend, as You did when You sent Your Only Son to earth.  Help me to run the race You've set before.  Thank You that Your power is made perfect when I have nothing to give. Be the Sustainer that I know You are.  Move in the hearts of many, that the hearts of these little children would have the opportunity for You to heal them.  Jesus, Your Name is power. You are mighty.  In Your wonderful name I pray, Jesus, Amen.

For The Kids

My recent personal best at the Zooma Half Marathon