Freedom Friday: I Saw You in Whole Foods Today

If you have struggled with an eating disorder, this post might be triggering to you. Please pause and pray before you read this if that is a concern.

I saw you at Whole Foods today.

I noticed you pretty quickly. The clothing you wore, the way you held yourself, the frenzy in which you ate.

I wondered if you had an eating disorder. 

I watched you out of the corner of my eye as I reviewed some work on my laptop. I lost sight of you as I packed my things, stopping at the restroom as I left.

There, I saw you. With your drink. Going into the handicapped stall.

Then I heard you vomit.

This is clearly a skill you have mastered. You were quiet. But I knew.

I knew because I've been there.

I had an eating disorder for 14 years. Borderline anorexia with an addiction to laxatives (ED-NOS did not exist then). I know the tricks of the trade, even for the behaviors I never engaged in.

I saw you. And I knew.

I spoke to you in the dining area minutes later, after I fumbled with my wallet to find my card. I told you I had an eating disorder for 14 years. You replied that you had yours for 11 years, and you loved it.

As if it were a pet or possession. Or a lifestyle choice.

You took my card and turned to leave, and I followed, searching for words. I asked if I could say one more thing. You paused and I told you that Jesus loves you and wants a different life for you. You thanked me and left.

I have a different life now. And I remember vividly the moment when everything changed.

I was in LA. I had been "in recovery" for over 4 years, continuing to starve and abuse laxatives while receiving treatment. I thought in that moment, I could live the rest of my life like this.

Suddenly, I keeled over in pain and weakness, as my muscles cramped and stomach revolted. And in that moment, I had clarity for the first time.

Something inside me quietly said, You will die if you keep doing this to yourself.

My treatment team and my friends had been telling me this for years. I finally believed it. 

After several more years or treatment and its ups and downs, I finally began to make choices to move toward recovery. I wanted a different life for myself, no matter the cost, and I was willing to do the work needed to have that life.

I also came to know Jesus as friend and Savior a week after that moment in LA. With the strength that He provides, I have been symptom-free from starvation and laxative use for over 11 years.

And I wouldn't trade any of it for a number on the scale.

11 years ago, as you took your first steps toward your eating disorder, I took my first true steps away. I chose life, and continue to choose it every day.

My wedding in December, 2002

My 2 boys at the start of school this year

What I don't know if you can see is that you don't have an eating disorder - your eating disorder has you. It controls you. It is not a lifestyle choice; it's a choice to die. It's a choice to never fully live.

Today, I saw you. I saw your pain, hidden under your baggy clothes and bloodshot eyes. I saw your pale skin and yellow, worn out teeth. But more importantly, God sees you; that is one of His names (Genesis 16:13). He sees you as you are and as He created you to be - and He loves you. He loves you so deeply and passionately that He allowed His Son to die for you, so that you could live a different life.

I don't know if you will ever use my card to find this blog. If you do, know I'm praying for you. I'm praying you have a moment, as I did, where you realize the truth about your eating disorder. And when you face that truth for what it is, I want you to know that there is a friend who can be there with every tear cried, through every painful step toward health. There is a hope offered for a new life, a fresh start. You don't have to hide behind your eating disorder anymore. 

It's OK to be seen.

Related posts:

I sold my birthright for a plate of food

Disordered Eating

Some Non-Partisan Post-Election Day Perspective: Isaiah 40

My scheduled Bible Reading today is Isaiah 40 (NLT). It seemed very appropriate after Election Day.

Whether you are saddened by the results or encouraged, may these excerpts from Isaiah 40 be a timely reminder of God's view of this world.

"The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.” 

Who else has held the oceans in his hand?
Who has measured off the heavens with his fingers?
Who else knows the weight of the earth
or has weighed the mountains and hills on a scale? 

The earth as seen from Apollo 17

Who is able to advise the Spirit of the LORD? 

Who knows enough to give him advice or teach him?
Has the LORD ever needed anyone’s advice?
Does he need instruction about what is good?
Did someone teach him what is right
or show him the path of justice? 

No, for all the nations of the world
are but a drop in the bucket.
They are nothing more than dust on the scales.
He picks up the whole earth
as though it were a grain of sand.

To whom can you compare God?
What image can you find to resemble him?
Can he be compared to an idol formed in a mold,
overlaid with gold, and decorated with silver chains?
Or if people are too poor for that,
they might at least choose wood that won’t decay
and a skilled craftsman
to carve an image that won’t fall down! 

God sits above the circle of the earth.
The people below seem like grasshoppers to him!

“To whom will you compare me?
Who is my equal?” asks the Holy One.
Look up into the heavens.
Who created all the stars?
He brings them out like an army, one after another,
calling each by its name.
Because of his great power and incomparable strength,
not a single one is missing. 

O Jacob, how can you say the LORD does not see your troubles?
O Israel, how can you say God ignores your rights? 

Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.

Freedom Friday: Are Your Dreams Suffocating?

What have you been dreaming about lately?

Are there dreams that God has deposited in your heart?

There have been many times God stirred a vision in my heart: for my life, my family, my marriage, His calling. Thinking about the dream, praying through it, processing it made me come alive. It stirred a longing in me that is often silenced.

Then something changes.

Life happens, circumstances are difficult, my perspective tells me it's not worth it to hope. My dreams are too big, too ludicrous - just too much.

It reminds me of the parable of the sower that Jesus told in Luke 8. My dreams become like the seed that fell among thorns.

"The seeds that fell among the thorns represent those who hear the message, but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the cares and riches and pleasures of this life. And so they never grow into maturity." verse 14

What are the thorns suffocating your dreams?


If we serve a God of hope, and hope does not disappoint....

If hope that is seen is not really hope ("if we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it," Romans 8:24 NLT)......

Why do we allow our dreams to be suffocated?

There is a simple answer.

Fear.

My main thorn is fear.

Fear drowns hope. It keeps my dreams bound, caged, suffocating.

How do we combat fear?

With love.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18 NIV84)

If God is love, if His love is unfailing and never-ending, why do I fear? Why do I doubt?

When I look to the cross, can I still believe anything is impossible for God?

This thought popped into my head today: I never want to stop dreaming.

I need to find a way to keep my dreams alive, to fight off the thorns that threaten to silence them.

"And the seeds that fell on the good soil represent honest, good-hearted people who hear God’s word, cling to it, and patiently produce a huge harvest." Luke 8:15

Is fear suffocating your dreams today? What would happen if you received God's unfailing love?

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

What dream of yours needs to be revived today?

Other helpful posts:
Are Your Dreams Asleep?
How To Keep Dreams Alive
Living Your Amazing Without Suffocating

Monday Morning Meditation: The Heavens Proclaim

"The heavens proclaim the glory of God.
The skies display his craftsmanship.
Day after day they continue to speak;
night after night they make him known.
They speak without a sound or word;
their voice is never heard.
Yet their message has gone throughout the earth,
and their words to all the world." Psalm 19:1-4 (NLT)

I don't know why these verses are so comforting to me these days.

Life can be so - well - just plain hard. It's often tiring and confusing. This season of our lives has been especially challenging and difficult to make sense of. Thus, it's strangely comforting to know that I can look up and see God's glory. When my eyes are stuck looking down, trying to make sense of life, God challenges me to look up. To look around and see, at all times, God's handiwork.



Without a voice, the heavens proclaim God's glory. The skies display His handiwork. Without words or even sound, God's hand is always evident, even when I don't understand why things are happening a certain way.

My challenge for you this week is short. Ask God to lift up your eyes. What can you thank Him for, even if it's simply the handiwork evident in the skies? Where is He working? How is His glory being shown?

Note to readers: I am currently reading the Life Recovery Bible. This Bible's NLT seems to have slight differences there when compared to the NLT at Biblegateway.com.

Freedom Friday: Living Your Amazing Without Suffocating

The world was heartbroken this week by another star, taken too soon.

Some people were simply annoyed by all the press this specific person was getting. What about the members of the military who were killed or injured in battle this week? What about family members who died from addiction? Were these people any less important?

But all the press made me stop and think: why?

Why was the world so swept up in the death of someone most of us never even saw in person, much less really knew?

I believe the reason we are so torn up about stars who die is that there was something amazing about them.

Amazing vocalist.

Amazing songwriter.

Amazing actor.

Amazing inventor.

They had found the thing God created them to do, something I refer to as their "amazing", and it was powerful.

They wore their amazing on their sleeve for the world to see. Their amazing was breath-taking, soul-wrenching at times, and inspiring.

Here's the thing.

1. We all have amazing in us.
That doesn't mean we will all be famous, or well-known, or what the world would label "amazing". It means we were created uniquely, with specific gifts that only we have to offer to the world. We can all be world-changing in whatever sphere of influence God gives us by allowing the amazing in us to surface and be developed.

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it." Psalm 139:13-14

God knows what your amazing is because He put it in you. Don't seek to find your amazing; rather seek God & His kingdom first "and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

2. Ready yourself for your amazing.

We need to have a certain level of maturity and foundation of faith in order to be able to handle our amazing.

I shared some months ago in this blog post that as I searched to find God's will for my life, sought to find my own amazing, God spoke some hard words to me: you're not ready to receive it.

God clearly told me, in His gentle and loving way, that I did not have the foundation of faith or strength of character I needed in order to walk in the fullness of who He created me to be.

So how do we ready ourselves? If Jesus has truly given us everything we need for life & godliness, what else can we do?

We can surrender. We can remember not to think too highly OR too lowly of ourselves. We can use the example of Philippians 2, looking out for others' interests as well as our own, and having the attitude of Jesus.

We can learn to walk in freedom.

We can follow the directive in 2 Peter 1 to add to our faith goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love.

We can gather folks around us to pray for us and help us discern God's voice.

We can prepare ourselves so that as God reveals our amazing to us, we are ready.

3. Don't let your amazing suffocate you.

Use your amazing for good. Remember that your amazing was given to you by God, and it needs to be continually given back to God. God is our sustainer; He alone stoops down to make you great.

Rely on God's strength. When we stop allowing God to sustain us, very dangerous things can happen. I was reminded of this when I recently read 2 Chronicles 16, where King Asa stops relying on God for success. I prayed upon reading that that I wouldn't get stubborn and obstinate in my old age and forget to rely on God.

Finding your amazing can lead to striving. We feel once we've found that thing we were created to do that we must do something to somehow feed and encourage it. Once again, we need the reminder that God alone is our sustainer. Even Paul had a thorn in his flesh to remind him that God's grace was sufficient.

In so many lives, we have seen that the journey to one's amazing can be suffocating.

It doesn't have to be.

Let your amazing drive you to God. Allow it to humble you and send you minute by minute to the foot of the cross. Even when it becomes natural, almost second nature, to walk in your amazing, declare daily that apart from Jesus, you can do nothing (John 15:5).

4. Prepare to be amazed.

As I was listening to a testimony of a man's journey to Jesus a few months ago, I was humbled to my core. The ways God is able to move took my breath away. A thought popped into my mind:

"If you are not amazed, you are not paying attention."

God is amazing. He wants to do amazing things in you and through you and in the lives of those around you.

Pay attention, if you're not already. Thank God for what He's done and what He will do. Praise Him simply for who He is. Declare your gratitude for His continual working in you. Remind God of His Word; Psalm 138 says "for your promises are backed by all the honor of your name."

The Psalm continues:

"The LORD will work out his plans for my life—
for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever.
Don’t abandon me, for you made me." Psalm 138:8

Amen.

Ask God today to prepare you to find your amazing, if you haven't already. Ask Him to show you your blind spots and how to use His strength in those areas. And get ready. It's a wild ride; prepare to be amazed.

Happy 2012, Living Unveiled Readers!

It's officially 2012! What are you doing to ring in the New Year?

Creating focus roles?

Taking it to the next level?

Purchasing some resources for the journey?

Making a record of your 2011 stones of remembrance?

Possibly stepping into your Jordan?

One great way to ring in the New Year would be to do a refresher course on learning to walk in freedom series.

Also, if you have come up with focus roles and some goals, I encourage you to read through the tags (called "Topics to Explore" in the right navigation of my blog) and click on any that resonate with your focus roles for the year.

Again, happy new year! I'm praying for you as you continue to grow into the person God created you to be.

Freedom Friday: Fear of the Unknown

I became a Christian halfway through my 3 years at Second College (I went to college elsewhere for 2 years, took 2 years off, and transferred to a new school to finish).

Initially, I was amazed. God revealed Himself to me, daily, in big ways and little ways.

He came through.

He showed Himself strong.

He was faithful.

Then life happened. I made some bad choices. I didn't ask God for His help in certain areas. And I found myself in a destructive, and yet familiar, relationship with a woman who "needed my help."

It's no secret that I was gay-identified for almost a decade. By the time I came to know Jesus, my identity was firmly planted in being gay. It was who I was, and it was what I knew. It was familiar. It was comfortable in its discomfort (as I talked about last week).

I didn't know anything else but being gay. So when this relationship began, it simply stood to reinforce my fear: the fear of the unknown.

The fear of the unknown is a powerful force. It keeps us in unhealth because the unhealth we know is familiar. It's a known pain, a known chaos.

It also keeps us in situations that aren't necessarily unhealthy, but are not God's best for us. They are not the next step in God's plan.

Fear of the unknown keeps us chained.

It keeps us from moving forward.

It keeps us from our Promised Land.

Exodus 14 begins with the Israelites camped by the Red Sea. Pharaoh decided he made a mistake in letting the Israelites go and began to follow them.

We pick up the story in verse 10:

As Pharaoh drew near, the sons of Israel looked, and behold, the Egyptians were marching after them, and they became very frightened; so the sons of Israel cried out to the LORD. Then they said to Moses, “Is it because there were no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? Why have you dealt with us in this way, bringing us out of Egypt? Is this not the word that we spoke to you in Egypt, saying, ‘Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians’? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness.”

People stay in or run back to miserable situations because of the fear of the unknown. The above quote from the Israelites is a perfect example of that.

I was a perfect example of this. The woman I was in a relationship with had a lot of problems. I had a lot of problems. Even in the best of circumstances, we would have made a horrible match! Underneath that rebellious choice to enter into a relationship that I knew to be wrong was a broken child crying out to her heavenly father, "Are You really enough for me? Can I leave behind everything I've known and built my life upon for the unknown that is a relationship with You?"

I have to remember, as I read the above passage, that the Israelites were just beginning to walk out of generations of slavery. It was all they had ever experienced. It was all they knew. They had no context for the Promised Land.

Continuing on in Exodus:

But Moses said to the people, “Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the LORD which He will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever. The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent.” Then the LORD said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to Me? Tell the sons of Israel to go forward."

Moses raised his hand over the sea, and God opened a path through the water for the Israelites. In my case, my girlfriend dumped me, and I decided, painstakingly, one-step-at-a-time, to choose to trust God, not only in the area of my sexuality, but also with my whole life.

When God calls us to something new, it's not surprising that we will experience fear. Like the Israelites, we have no context for this new journey; all we have is context for the old one. The "what if's", the questions, the obstacles - they overwhelm us. They keep us standing still.



But in those moments, you have a choice: stick with the pain you know, or choose to trust God and forge ahead into the pain you don't know. The latter is a choice to trust that God is who He says He is and He will do what He has said He will do. It's a choice to believe that He must have something better for you, that this can't be all there is, that if He's asking you to move forward, then He will carry us through.

If you are overcome by a fear of the unknown today, surrender it to God. Give Him your questions and hesitations; He's not afraid of them. Then, stand by. Wait and see how God will fight for you and what He wants to accomplish for you. And "do it afraid", as Joyce Meyer says. As God commanded the Israelites, go forward, despite the fear. Do not let fear of the unknown paralyze you or keep you from living in the fullness of all God has for you.

I'm praying Romans 15:13 for you today: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Freedom Friday: When God Isn't Showing Up

I've been working on a post on contentment for...well, months. Maybe longer. That was my plan for today. Finish it up and share it with you all.

But I just can't. I can't. My heart is heavy. A good acquaintance of mine is going through an unthinkable tragedy. After a long & excruciatingly difficult trial, the unimaginable has happened.

They did not receive the answer they were looking for. Their family is being torn apart, and the end is not in sight.

God isn't showing up as they had hoped.



This family has been on my heart since I received the news last night. Not only is my youngest sick (and he woke numerous times last night), even when I tried to sleep, I could not get this family out of my head.

I could do nothing but pray. Pray for peace. Pray for encouragement. Pray for protection.

As I ran this morning, I asked God to help me with my writing today. I was trying to wrap up the contentment post in my mind.

I just could. not. focus.

I couldn't stop thinking of my friends.

I came home, showered, and realized my youngest was awake. Again. As I laid down next to him in hopes of getting him back to sleep, I read my psalm for today on my phone.

Psalm 77
New Living Translation (NLT)

For Jeduthun, the choir director: A psalm of Asaph.

1 I cry out to God; yes, I shout. Oh, that God would listen to me!
2 When I was in deep trouble, I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
but my soul was not comforted.
3 I think of God, and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for his help.
Interlude

We've all been there. When we've asked for God's help so many times that the thought of one more prayer literally has us moaning and overwhelmed. The times when comfort is nowhere to be found, and it seems even God is nowhere to be found.

The Psalmist continues:

4 You don’t let me sleep. I am too distressed even to pray!
5 I think of the good old days, long since ended,
6 when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
7 Has the Lord rejected me forever? Will he never again be kind to me?
8 Is his unfailing love gone forever? Have his promises permanently failed?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he slammed the door on his compassion?
Interlude

I imagine this friend of mine, thinking back to the days when her family was together and full of life and peace. What happened to those days? Where are those songs of joy? Will they ever come again? Where's God's kindness, His grace, His faithfulness? Where is His compassion and love?

Where is God? Why isn't He showing up?

10 And I said, “This is my fate;
the Most High has turned his hand against me.”

There have been times I myself have wrongly come to this conclusion.

I remember an excruciatingly challenging time about 8 years ago. My world, and my faith, had been turned upside down. I no longer knew what I believed or why. Add to that I was dealing with chronic illness, clinical depression (that could not be medicated, as the medication exacerbated my chronic illness), and my husband and I were both unemployed.

My experiences were not lining up with my theology, and it was seriously messing with me.

One example of this happened when I realized I was being overcharged for car insurance, going on 5 years. Rectifying this was not an easy process, as the reason I was overcharged in the first place was the state I received my license in and the state I lived after did not communicate with each other, and would not easily communicate with the state I currently lived in.

From my perspective, God could be helping me with this. He could be making it all happen more smoothly. Didn't He know I needed that money, and I needed it now, not whenever He decided to notice my needs and finally help me out?

I was faced with a challenge that faces all of us: if our experience does not match our theology, if our feelings do not line up with the truth of Scripture, whom or what will we trust?

The Psalmist continues:

11 But then I recall all you have done, O Lord;
I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.
12 They are constantly in my thoughts.
I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works.

13 O God, your ways are holy.
Is there any god as mighty as you?
14 You are the God of great wonders!
You demonstrate your awesome power among the nations.
15 By your strong arm, you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Interlude

Please do read the rest of the psalm here.

So what can we do when God is not showing up?

1. Ask people to pray for you. This needs to be the first step. Tell your friends what's going on, and ask them to hold out hope for you, even when you, like the Psalmist, feel as if God's promises have failed you. We need the support, both in tangible help & prayer. We need friends like the paralytic man had; he was healed because of their faith.

2. Be honest with God. Tell Him exactly how you feel, even if it isn't pretty. None of it will surprise Him. He knows your thoughts even if you don't tell Him.

3. Think about what God has done in the past. Reflect on what He has done rather than what He hasn't.

4. Ponder who God is, what you know of His character. Memorize Scriptures about His nature. Contemplate the many facets of His being, and declare them to be true. I even challenge you to try doing this out loud. Words have power.

5. Cultivate hope. I talked about hope last week, that it is a choice. It can also be learned, even in the most tragic situations.

My reimbursement check from the insurance company did show up, and it was far more than I thought it would be. It also took far longer than I wanted, but in that time, God allowed me to see that I needed to work on my relationship with Him, who I thought He was, based on my reaction (my core beliefs were that He was unkind, uncaring and unconcerned with my needs).

Jesus did not ever promise an easy life, unfortunately. He did not promise that it would even go the way we hoped. What Jesus DID promise is that His grace is sufficient, that His promises really are true, and that His purposes will prevail.

Please pray for this family, that justice would roll like a river (Amos 5:24). And if you need prayer, comment on this post, and I and others will pray for you.

Freedom Friday, Tools for the Journey: Hope

One or two mornings a week, I get up extra early to try and spend some uninterrupted time with God.

Some days, I read the Bible and pray because I've made a habit of it.

Some days, my time with God literally feels like breath and life and sustenance.

I was still reeling from some challenging events. Earlier that week, I had fought the overwhelming urge to sink into my default setting. Then my uncle, who everyone had been praying would be healed, passed away.

I knew I needed to make some carved-out time with God a priority.

After reading some Scripture, I opened a file on my phone where I keep a list of prayer requests. The first thing I read was this:

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him." Psalm 62:5

Hope. Not in people, things, or a certain outcome to prayers. But a pure hope that is only in God.

I needed to read that.

As I ponder hope, I feel I can't talk about hope without also talking about hopelessness.

As Russell Willingham said in his book Breaking Free, "Hopelessness is not only a response to traumatic losses; it can also become a habit-forming coping mechanism." Hopelessness, despair, depression are all part of my default setting.

As I wrote about a few months ago in a post on hopelessness, "If God is real, if He is who the Bible says He is, then hopelessness is not an option. If His promises are true, if He doesn't change, and never lies, then we have to reverse the pattern in our lives of getting sucked into hopelessness."

A couple of things to remember about hope:

1. Hope is a choice.
I read recently Christians need to be self-leaders in the area of hope. I agree. Hope is a choice, just like trust is a choice.

For most of my life, I based my hope solely on my experience of life. I was used to looking for hope in the things around me, clinging to my circumstances or glimmers of hope I saw in people. When I became a Christian, I needed to learn an entirely different way of living.

During this time, I clung to all Scriptures about hope. I read them, I breathed them in, I memorized them and quoted them to myself frequently.

Romans 8:24 was one of my favorites: "Hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?"

I needed to learn to stop hoping in what I could see with my limited vision and perspective, and starting seeing with God's eyes.

Hope is a continuous choice for me. When I felt myself slowly sinking into that default setting earlier this week, I had to make a conscious choice to head in the other direction. I had to decide to choose God, to choose His breath and His life within me.

To choose to hope in Him.

2. Hope can't be conditional.
If my experiences tell me that it is pointless to trust God, useless to put my hope in Him, that I've tried that before and it didn't work, maybe the problem is not God. Maybe the problem is my perspective. Maybe the problem is that my hope, my trust, is conditional.

My hope in God cannot be reliant on Him answering my prayers in a certain way. I'll be honest. When my uncle died earlier this week, in addition to grief & loss, I felt frustrated, disappointed, confused. So many people were praying, and even fasting, for his healing. Why hadn't God answered those prayers?

Rather than doubt God, doubt His goodness and His faithfulness, I chose hope. And God opened my eyes to His perspective.

On the day my uncle died, I was getting my boys down for a nap in the afternoon, as I always do. I usually ask Bear, my 4 year-old, what he is thankful for and what he'd like to pray for before we go to sleep at night. We don't usually pray before nap, but we did that day. Bear prayed for the first time ever, using his own words. "God, I please pray that Uncle Greg would feel better." I found out that evening that Uncle Greg died just minutes later. I can only believe that God answered that prayer and that Uncle Greg now feels better for eternity.

3. Hope can be learned.
If hopelessness is part of your default setting, it is possible to change that. We can learn to hope.

Dive deep into hope. Ask a believer what hope looks like for them. Ask a friend to pray for you, hold out hope for you. Memorize Scriptures about hope. Read stories in the Bible about people who chose to hope in God and what that looked like. When you find yourself sinking, speak truth to yourself. Say out loud some of those hope Scriptures you have memorized.

"Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you." Psalm 25:5

Pure hope is a belief, a trust only in God, that His will be done.

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him." Psalm 62:5

Please pray for my uncle's family. He left behind a wife, 2 daughters, 9 siblings including a twin sister, his parents, 20+ nieces and nephews, as well as many other friends & family who love him and are deeply feeling this loss. Thank you,

Freedom Friday: Tools for the Journey, God's Word

I talk about trusting God a lot.

I mean a lot a lot :)

I was talking to a friend last week about something and, of course, I was sharing about choosing to trust God. "Just like you say in your blog," was the response I received.

Yep :)

As I've shared before, I write what I know. I write what I've lived. I write what I've experienced, what God has shown me, or is showing me.

I don't write about it if it hasn't already begun to pulsate in my blood.

I write about this because I hear from people, at least on a weekly basis, that they don't know how to trust God. I hear from people who have been Christians for decades that God is confronting them on the fact that they don't really trust Him.

They may trust Him for salvation - but they do not trust Him with their daily lives. They don't really trust Him for provision or healing or freedom or any of the other things they desire or need.

Why don't we trust God?

There could be a million reasons. There may have been a time He didn't come through. He didn't heal a loved one. He didn't give us that job we really wanted. He didn't come through with that miracle.

He didn't provide - or at least not in the way we wanted Him to.

Trusting in God isn't just about trusting that He is going to do certain things for us as His adopted children, or that He will give us certain things because He loves us.

It's about trusting in His character, that He is who He says He is and He will do what He has said He will do.

Ultimately, I think one of the main reasons we don't trust God is because we don't know Him. Yes, we have been adopted as His children through Jesus' gift of salvation, but we don't really know Him. We have unrealistic expectations of Him. Yes, God can do anything, even the impossible - according to His perfect will. Yet our method is to come up with a plan, and expect Him to bless it and carry it out in our timing.

"Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

We need to grow to know His character, His attributes. We need to know His heart.

We cannot surrender our struggles to and grow to trust someone we don’t know. The primary ways we get to know God are through spending time in His Word and in prayer.

Let me pause and clarify. Lots of people (and I do mean lots) who have life-controlling issues (and especially relational brokenness issues) have been told that if they read the Bible and prayed more, their problems would go away. I'm not saying that at all. There is a reason that "Spending Time with the Freedom Giver" is only 1 of the Freedom Steps in my "Learning to Walk in Freedom" series. It's only 1 step in the process, but it's an important step.

BUT I think those of us who have been indoctrinated with this "try harder, do more" mentality of "read the bible and pray more" sometimes throw the baby out with the bath water, as the saying goes (um, and being a parent, what a strange saying!).

Since we've already "tried harder" and it didn't "work", we don't invest the time & energy needed into having a regular, set aside time with God and His Word. I fell into this trap for a while. I continued to read some Christian literature, sometimes a devotional book, but I did not spend much time studying the Bible unless I was preparing to speak (kind of embarrassing to admit that!).

There was just so much baggage attached to the Bible for me. I had to get over that. I had to release that baggage and those misconceptions to God and recognize what I'd already experienced the truth of: when I read His Word consistently, I walk away changed.

Now I can't live without the Word of God in my life.

If you feel lost in how to begin studying the Word of God, here are a few ways you could start digging in.

1. Start with a gospel. Matthew, Mark, Luke & John are the 4 gospels in the New Testament, 4 accounts of Jesus' time on earth. They are all very different. Mark is a shorter book with rapid-fire description of what Jesus did here on earth. John is slightly longer, but it provides a fuller picture of the person of Jesus, with quite a few of His longer teachings and speeches, as well as an intimate look into His time with the disciples.



2. Get a study Bible. Ask a friend (or friends) what study Bible they use. Go to a book store and check a few out. Currently, I'm reading the "Life Recovery Bible" which is the New Living Translation and includes thoughts about recovery and the 12 steps. I generally read the NIV (I have a Serendipity Bible from my campus ministry days that has thought-provoking, and sometimes silly, questions to ponder) or the NASB, so I wanted to read something a little different.

One word of caution: even if you are using a study Bible, you don't need to always be reading the little boxes and interpretations of the passage. You can simply read the Scriptures and work through them yourself (see #3 for some suggestions). If you tend to rely too heavily on other's thoughts about the Bible or trust too much in others to interpret Scripture for you, you're likely better off with an old-fashioned "pew Bible".

3. Use a study method. When I was a student, I used the PROAPT method.
Pray: Begin your time of study by praying for God to open your eyes and your heart to what the passage might be speaking to you today.
Read: Read the passage you've chosen for the day.
Observe: Simply observe, by asking the questions how, who, why, where, what & when, what is going on in the passage. Who are the characters? What are they doing? Where are they? When is this happening? What are they feeling and experiencing?
Apply: Apply the passage to your life. What might this passage have to teach me today?
Pray: Pray again that God would make what you have read have His life breathed into it.
Tell: Tell someone about what you have learned in your Bible reading today.

Another similar resource is often referred to as "the Navigators Word Hand". The "Word Hand" shows five methods of learning from the Bible: Hear, Read, Study, Memorize, Meditate.

A friend of mine likes to take Scripture and put it in his own words by writing his thoughts out in his journal.

4. Think outside the box. Your "quiet time", as it's often called, does not need to look the same every day. Mine doesn't. Ask God to help you figure out what works best for you. Be creative. Gary Thomas' book, Sacred Pathways, has some great suggestions.

There are lots of options.

Next week, I will share more on this topic :) See you then!

Freedom Friday: Finding Peace

Ladies & gentlemen, we are leaving this afternoon to travel to a conference where I will be speaking. I can hardly contain my excitement! I know that God is going to do something amazing in the minds & hearts of the men & women attending the conference. That's just who He is.

I'm just going to leave you with a short thought today.

I'm struck more & more by the fact that peace is not external. Even after a challenging day with the kids, a difficult conversation with a friend, a phone call with painful news, I can still have peace.

Jesus said in the gospel of John 14:27 says, "Peace I leave with you." He has given us peace. I once heard a speaker say we don't need to pray for peace because we already have it. That'd be like praying for a chair you're already sitting in. It's more accurate to pray that the peace Jesus left you with would rise up within you and give you a sense of calm, no matter what is going on around you.

Let's look at the context of Jesus's words: "But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

The world will always give you things that have the potential to frustrate you, worry you and trouble your heart. When that happens, you have a choice. You can choose to embrace those worries and frustrations and let your heart be troubled. Or you can choose to turn to God. We can ask God, through the Holy Spirit, to remind us of everything Jesus has taught and given to us. We have a choice to let our hearts be troubled - or not. We have a choice to receive Jesus's peace - or not.

Later in the same talk that Jesus gave to the disciples, He says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Take heart! You can choose internal peace today, no matter what is going on in your world.

Ask God to teach you about maintaining a peaceful heart.

Freedom Friday: Resting in God

My youngest son as a baby, napping on my lap

Have you ever watched a child sleep?

My younger son is now 20 months old, but he is still beautiful when he sleeps. He took an extra long nap today after a short sleep last night. I went to check on him a couple of times, and had to restrain myself from taking his face in my hands and covering him with kisses.

So calm. So content. Not a care in the world.

"I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O LORD,
make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8

I have been thinking about the concept of resting in God lately. I seem to be continually encouraging people in my life to stop striving, trying to measure life by achievements and accomplishments, and just rest in Him. Like a good father or mother, God watches over us, carrying us, when we rely on and cling to Him.

"He will not let your foot slip;
He who watches over you will not slumber
Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you;
The LORD is your shade at your right hand.
The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm;
He will watch over your life.
The LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Psalm 121:3-8

Are you resting in God, secure in His love? Allowing your worth to be found in Him and who He created you to be, rather than what you do and accomplish?

We generally spend a lot of time doing what I've heard called "should-ing on yourself".

"I should be doing this; I shouldn't be doing that. I should have accomplished this, I should be at this certain point by now." Of course, it's good to recognize what is beneficial in our lives and what is not, what is edifying and uplifting and what is dragging us down.

But what types of feeling do these "should" statements usually bring up in us? Encouragement and passion for growth? Or shame and condemnation? It's usually the latter.

Whose arbitrary standards are we trying to meet, anyway?

That's why resting in God is so important. When we rest in Him, He puts in us a desire to do those things He wants for us to do, not what we or someone else thinks we should be doing or achieving.

Cling to Jesus. Come to Him as you are.

When you are struggling, even in the moment, invite God in. Allow Him to just love you because He loves you - not for anything you've done or will do, but because He created you, He called you by name, and you have been adopted into His family. This may not be how your family & friends have treated you, or even how you treat yourself, but it's how God treats you. He desperately wants to love you and fill you with His peace.

So stop. Right now. Plant your feet firmly on the floor and imagine that God is your firm foundation. Take a deep breath. Like a baby bird, picture yourself resting in the shadow of His wing.

Smiling in his sleep

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

My little one was so exhausted that he slept for 3 hours in perfect peace. His brother and I finally woke him with snuggles and kisses.

Your Heavenly Father delights in you. Soak that in. He sings over you, quieting you with His love.

Rest in Him. His burden is light.

Freedom Friday: Who Is Your Source?

I am tired.

I don't know why.

This morning, after my usual 5 AM wake-up (thanks to our wonderful dog), I did something unusual: I went back to bed.

When our dog started rising earlier & earlier, I realized after letting him out I rarely fell back to sleep. Rather than lie in bed & stare at the ceiling, I decided to go running at that early hour.

Running, rather than trying to go back to sleep, became my pattern. I've been slowly increasing my weekly mileage to the point that last week, I ran 35.5 miles & competed in a 10K on Monday.

I've gotten to the point where the benefits of running first thing were worth more than trying to go back to sleep.

That's what made this morning so unusual. I was so exhausted I let the dog out & crawled back into bed. Unfortunately for me, my 2 children did not stay asleep and after an hour, I got up & went running anyway.

I have now spent the entire day, completely exhausted. This is generally not a good set-up for writing Freedom Friday; add whiny kids to the equation (they are likely as tired as I am!), and forget it.

I needed to pause. Stop grabbing food & coffee (my go-to when completely spent). And rest in God for a minute.

I need to ask myself (yes, I ask myself these questions in 2nd person):

Who is your source?

What or who breathes life into you?

Who sustains you?

What gets you out of bed in the morning? (For me, the answer is clearly my dog!)

Who is the first person/thing you check in with in the morning? Facebook, email, the Bible?

To whom or what do you run when you are drained, wiped, out of energy, or just plain done?

We all know what the answer to these questions should be. But what is it really?

Today, I'm struggling to believe that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13), but in the midst of my struggle, I'm choosing to believe that it's true.

This word that is translated "strengthens" seems to imply that it's a process. It is also translated in the New Testament "grew strong" or "increased in strength".

When I started running, I would run 2 miles, max., and it would take me 24 minutes (a 12 minute mile). I ran my 10K this week in 58:10 (that's just under a 9 minute & 23 second mile, but the course was really flat). I could only do that time, and my 3 mile run of 31 minutes this morning, because my muscles have grown stronger with extended use.

Here I am, getting a congrats smooch from my grandmother-in-law!


Muscles grow through exercise. Use of muscles creates small tears. Your body reacts to this damage by repairing the muscles and growing stronger in the process.

If I keep running to other sources, those muscles will never grow, and I will never learn to respond differently.

So today, I imagine my patience & endurance muscles tearing in small ways (hence the pain & exhaustion). I picture God knitting them back together, even stronger, so that the next time I face a similar situation, I will be all that more equipped to deal with it.

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

Amen.

Freedom Friday, Choosing to Trust, Part 2

Hi, Freedom Friday readers!

We have a lot going on right now. I feel as if I say that a lot in this blog. Well, that's because it's true :) But this week, we had several more issues added to the mix. Some of these had been brewing for quite some time, so they weren't completely unexpected.

My reaction, on the other hand, was something I didn't expect.

Over the years, I have learned to go with the flow, to not react, to not try & predict, over-plan, over-calculate. I have learned, in many respects, to really actively choose to trust God. Mostly.

Mostly.

When the stuff hit the fan this week, I didn't choose to trust God. I chose to freak out. Just a little. But freak out nonetheless.

It's actually quite amusing to be me. I am, generally, fairly confident in who God is, who I am in Christ, and who God created me to be. I write what I've experienced and what I know deep within my soul. I don't write about it if it hasn't already begun to pulsate in my blood.

There are some exceptions. At times, I write about concepts I am grappling with or aspects of God & myself that I'm struggling with. But most of the time, I simply write what I've learned through reading the Bible, living amongst other believers, and through my recovery and ever-increasing walk of freedom.

It becomes amusing when I am stubborn and refuse to take my own advice.

About 6-8 hours into my freak out, I started telling myself I needed to go read my own blog. Did I? Of course not. Because a part of me wanted to keep freaking out rather than tell myself the truth.

Eventually, I snapped myself out of it. As I was running the next morning, the phrase "look up" kept coming to me. And I couldn't help but preach to myself a mini-sermon based on this blog post about seeing with God's eyes.

Since then, I've been back to my usual self, relying on God when the doubts come, resting in the knowledge of His character, diving deep into Him, and allowing His peace to fill me. Mostly :)

Peace, rest, reliance: none of these things are dependent on my circumstances. They are dependent solely on the character of God, who He says He is, and all that He has offered to us as believers.

God either is who He says He is, or He isn't. It's that simple. God is either the source of my peace, or my planning and my provision and my best guess are the source of my peace. I did the latter long enough to know where that gets me! The part that is more challenging is to believe all that God is & trust that all He has is available to us.

God did not jump off the throne, my pastor used to say, just because your circumstances have thrown you for a loop. He is still in control. He still has a plan.

I have come a long way in this area. It wasn't all that long ago that I was writing this article, Opportunities for Joy, about practicing acceptance. Contentment, resting in God, trusting in Him comes a lot easier these days.

I hope that's encouraging to you, readers. Progress is possible. Change is possible. Freedom from unhelpful & unhealthy patterns can be a reality.

Practice does not make perfect, but it can make progress.

Cling to Jesus. Learn about whom He really is. Show Him your heart. Open your heart to His. Rest in Him. When you find yourself striving, run to Him.

Freedom Friday: The God Who Sustains

We are back from the conference! It was an amazing time, refreshing and yet tiring (I'm sure being in the car 24 hours over the course of 3 days added to that!). There is a lot to think about & reflect on. In addition to that, there are several situations within my circles of family & friends that require lots of prayer & attention.

Yesterday, as I leaned against our chest freezer, wondering what to make for dinner, I became keenly aware that God alone is my Sustainer. I went to a Bible search tool to remind myself of Scriptures that speak to this.

I came across a gem:

"You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great." Psalm 18:35

Since returning home, Holland Davis's words on the last night of the conference have been at the forefront of my mind (he lead worship). He reminded us that the devil comes to kill, steal & destroy, and prayed that we would not allow him to take away from us what God did in us at the conference.

So I've been praying for myself and others, that whatever God spoke and/or called us to at the conference, that we would stand firm and tell Satan he has no power in our lives. That we would obey what God has called us to & the areas He may have challenged us in.

But I was missing an important piece.

I am now also praying that God the Sustainer would fulfill His Word, being confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in us will perfect it (also translating "carry it on to completion") until the day of Christ Jesus (Phil. 1:6).

The God who leaned down to earth, who stooped down, to rescue us & make us great.

God is our Sustainer. But we need to accept His gift of sustenance. We need to allow Him to maintain and nurture those things He's deposited into our hearts.

"For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:6-7

I need to be reminded that Satan wants to steal God's best out from under me, just like he did in the Garden of Eden. Satan's power is limited; God's power is unlimited.

So my prayer for all of us today is that we would continue to cling to Jesus, that we would allow God to sustain and preserve the good work He has begun in us, that we would be aware of the work of Satan, but not intimidated by him.

God is Sustainer.

Read these Scriptures. Pray through them. Memorize them. Devour them. Soak them in.

Psalm 54:4
Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.

Psalm 55:22
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

Psalm 89:21
My hand will sustain him; surely my arm will strengthen him.

Psalm 119:116
Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.

Psalm 119:175
Let me live that I may praise you, and may your laws sustain me.

Psalm 146:9
The LORD watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow, but he frustrates the ways of the wicked.

Psalm 147:6
The LORD sustains the humble but casts the wicked to the ground.

Freedom Friday: Do You Really Know God?

I am a Judges slacker.

I have lots of good reasons, as we are leaving tomorrow (I'm writing this Thursday) for a road trip that will end at the Exodus Freedom conference (at which I will speak). I've been preparing my workshop, along with packing all the stuff we will need for all those hours in the car & all those meals out (kids with food sensitivities, after all).

So, I'm going to briefly share about something else that's been on my heart. More Judges later.

At the conference, I'll be giving my "Learning to Walk in Freedom" teaching to just the women attendees. Though when I was initially asked to tailor my talk for women, I was excited by the possibility! And I still am.

As I began to re-work my talk for this specific audience, I just happened to be reading chapter 7 in "Breaking Free", a book I mentioned in my hopelessness post. The chapter is entitled "The Divine Caricature".

It asks the question, "Do you really know God?" Do you really know His attributes, His character?

Step 1 of learning to walk in freedom is to spend time with the freedom giver. As I re-read what I've said on this topic, the following excerpt from "Divine or Distorted? God As We Understand God" by Jerry Seiden came to mind:

One day as I walked through my favorite park, I recited the 12 Steps as was my custom. This day I stopped at Step Three: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." Something inside me asked, "Who do you understand God to be?" I responded by reciting all the wonderful characteristics of God, but the voice within me said, "No! That's what you've been told about God in school and in books. Tell me what you really believe God to be."

Just as if a dam broke in my heart and mind, I began to cry, grit my teeth, and curse. I was angry. I believed deep inside that God was unconcerned with my life, unforgiving of my sin, impatient with my weaknesses, intolerant of my failures, very angry with me, and more. I believed I deserved all of God's wrath and nothing of his grace. Nothing good could or should happen to me. I wept until I was ashamed.

Then came silence followed by that voice in my heart again. It was God's voice. It said, "You have described yourself and the way you treat yourself. And I am not like you. I am none of those things."

"You thought I was altogether like you!" These are God's words, found in Psalm 50:21.

When you envision your Heavenly Father, do you imagine an angry man with furrowed brow, wagging His finger from up in heaven, waiting to punish you at any mistake? Or do you imagine a caring Father, who is slow to anger, quick to run to you with love, even in your pain & brokenness?

Do you know who God is? Who He really is?

The prodigal son, when he was close to his father, living near him & spending his days with him, knew his father's character. He knew that if he went to his father & asked for his inheritance, it would be given to him. As he walked further and further away from his home, through distance and action, he slowly lost sight of the nature of his father's character, to the point where when he decided to go back, he thought the best that could happen would be to become a hired man.

Have you lost sight of God's true nature? Or maybe you never really knew it & are only learning who God really is now?

For some of us, it might be more accurate to say we think God is like our parents or other authority figures who were imperfect (just as I am) or maybe even mistreated us. The New Living Translation says in Numbers 23:19 "God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through?"

Do you know who God is? Who He really is? Do you know the nature of His character? If not, will you allow yourself to absorb the truth of Scripture & what it says about His relationship with you and His heart for you?

I will likely next be posting from the Exodus conference. Hope to see you there!

Freedom Friday: The Biggest Enemy of God's Gifts

I began writing this post 3 months ago after a series of events sparked my thinking on this topic.

This is how quite a few of my blog posts begin - just some random thoughts I've written down.

I needed to read it today.

******************

I'm tired. Tired physically, emotionally, even spiritually.

It's been a challenging few months.

I don't feel like blogging today. I feel like napping. I feel like wallowing a bit on the outskirts of my default setting.

Instead, I open my saved, but unpublished, blog posts, and found this one.

It's excruciatingly appropriate.

Back on that day in February when I started this post, I read this blog about being afraid to use our gifts. The author reposted this June 2008 post on his Twitter, and the words really dug into my heart.

That was the first impetus for my thoughts beginning to churn.

Then, also back on that day in February, I read this entry from "My Utmost for His Highest". Also thought-churning.

I can totally understand what the blogger spoke about concerning being afraid to use our gifts. There was a time I was a very prolific songwriter. It was my main means of communicating my overwhelming feelings to God and to others. And then, there came a time when God asked me to stop writing.

God did this by gently nudging me. He loves my songs. But He wanted me to learn to communicate in other, healthier, life-giving ways. Like sitting down face to face with someone who loves me & cares about me and telling them what I was experiencing.

I'm able to do that now. Well, most of the time. 90% of the time. That's quite a bit of progress over 0% of the time.

Then the Oswald Chambers entry opened my eyes to a frightening truth. When I'm insecure about what I can take on or achieve, I'm really saying that Jesus isn't able to help me. I'm saying my insecurities and weakness are too much for Him to fix and/or work through.

The entry says: "Beware of the pious fraud in you which says - I have no misgivings about Jesus, only about myself. None of us ever had misgivings about ourselves; we know exactly what we cannot do, but we do have misgivings about Jesus."

He goes on to write, "My misgivings arise from the fact that I ransack my own person to find out how He will be able to do it."

Back to the above blog post. I feel as if God clearly spoke to me through several means a decade ago concerning how He wanted to use my gifts. I've allowed Him to use some of my gifts in limited capacity, but for lots of reasons (fear, shame, pride and letting Satan win being among them), I have not been and am not living in the fullness of all God has for me.

Add my family to the mix. I can think of a million reasons that God's call is not doable or even feasible given various family circumstances. What about God's call for my husband? My kids? These are excuses - yes. But they are pretty convincing ones. This would be a great example of the "how" Oswald Chambers referenced.

The reality, for me, is the biggest enemy of God's gifts being used in my life is me.

It's not just Satan (he plays a part, certainly). It's not my life circumstances. It's not money or time or anything else.

It's me.

It's me and all my rationalizing and explaining away. It's me and all my small sighted-ness. It's me believing the lies Satan is speaking and forgetting to tell myself the truth.

It's the very stuff I pound into your heads week after week that I seem to not be able to hear right now. It's the very things I usually can put into practice. But I feel as if I'm hitting a roadblock in this area.

For my family, I have felt for quite some time as if God is pushing us out of our comfort zone in several areas and we need to really seek Him without fear. I laugh at that. Seek God as a family? I feel as if my husband & I barely have time to sit and figure out our schedules, much less seek God in concentrated prayer.

Another excuse.

What are your excuses? God can't use you until you're healed? You're too busy? Too tired? Too.....?

What are your misgivings about Jesus, as Oswald Chambers asked? Evidently, mine include having to pray a certain amount in order to hear from God about what's next. Hmm. Treating God like a vending machine where I need to put in a certain amount of something in order to get something in return is never a good idea.

I remember when God made it clear He wanted me to talk about my struggle with overcoming same-sex attraction. I was like, "Really, God? ARE YOU INSANE? You want me to tell Christians about this? I'll likely end up ex-communicated!" And look at me now :) Yet there are clearly other areas that I need to surrender and be obedient in.

What gift is God asking you to use? Does the very thought of being obedient terrify you?

What big dreams is God asking you to fan the flame of?

Are you the enemy that is keeping you from obedience?

I want to end with a prayer, for me & for you. Feel free to pray it aloud.
God. I choose to trust You. I choose to trust that the gifts You have given me & the plans You have for me are Yours, not mine. I surrender the fact that sometimes, Your plans & gifts won't even make sense to me. I release them to You to figure out the "how". Forgive me for my complacency, my falling into despair and indifference. Forgive me for only looking at things through my eyes and not asking for Your eyes. Help me to stop being my own worst enemy. Re-deposit Your spirit & Your Word into my heart to encourage me, to challenge me, and to spur me to action. I love You. You are good. Thank You for caring for me as only a perfect Father can. Not my will, Lord, but Yours - really. I pray this is the mighty name of Your Son, Jesus. Amen.

Freedom Friday: Hopelessness

Hopelessness.

Hopeless.
1 a : having no expectation of good or success : despairing
b : not susceptible to remedy or cure
c : incapable of redemption or improvement
2 a : giving no ground for hope : desperate
b : incapable of solution, management, or accomplishment : impossible
— hope·less·ness noun

Hopelessness.

That dark place we resort to when things are not turning out the way we thought & hoped they would. The place we go when we had dared to hope and those hopes were dashed.

Despair. Fear. Isolation.

I'm reading Breaking Free by Russell Willingham (highly recommend this book, and even more so recommend Relational Masks). Breaking Free is geared more toward heterosexual male sex addicts, but don't let that deter you from reading it or continuing on in this blog post. I am neither male nor have I dealt with sex addiction, but Russell Willingham is such a powerful speaker & writer that I am getting a ton out of it.

The chapter I'm on, "The Myth of No-Fault Victimization", discusses the following verse: "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." 1 Corinthians 13:11

Russell Willingham talks about how in many ways, the sex addict is stuck in childish ways of relating. I think many of us, addicts or not, can relate to this. I heard someone recently refer to it as "Arrested Development": a part of us or an aspect of our personality can get stuck at a certain age & never mature past that point.

Russell breaks each aspect of the sex addicts arrested development: talking, thinking and reasoning.

I'm going to quote from the book now.

"I thought like a child." Many of us can't use the past tense as Paul did, because we are still stuck in childish beliefs, perceptions and notions that protect us from having to take responsibility for our choices. In another place Paul calls these strongholds (see 2 Cor 10:4-5).

He goes on to outline the various ways of thinking that children exhibit, such as egocentrism, centrism, animism, and hopelessness.

Hopelessness? That seems somewhat out of place. Listen to how he explains it (bolded emphasis mine, italics are the authors).

Hopelessness is not only a response to traumatic losses; it can also become a habit-forming coping mechanism. Children may lapse into hopelessness because they don't have all the information. My daughter once cried uncontrollably because her balloon popped. To her, all was lost. Because of her sobs she was unable to hear me telling her I would get her another one out of the bag. It wasn't until it was blown up and placed in her clenched fists that she opened her eyes and chose to hope again.

For many of us a popped balloon was the least of our worries in childhood. Some of us had childhood years that were filled with parental abuse, rejection or just plain indifference. In order to keep our sanity, many of us had to let go of the dream of ever having our needs met in these relationships.

Is hopelessness your default setting? Think about it. Are you, like Russell's daughter, holding on to that hopelessness with clenched fists? He goes on to say:

Two things can be said about the sexually broken. First, their hopes for love & protection were often shattered in childhood. And, second, they refuse to hope even now even though the Son of God is pleading with them. They cling to the familiar feeling of abandonment and rarely venture outside into the open spaces of God's love & grace. Why? Because they don't really believe it exists, or, if it exists, they believe they are not eligible for it. This is a repudiation of what they claim to believe.

I don't have much more to say about the above. Hopelessness is not from God. There is a reason He is called the God of Hope. Look at what it says in Hebrews 6:

Now when people take an oath, they call on someone greater than themselves to hold them to it. And without any question that oath is binding. God also bound himself with an oath, so that those who received the promise could be perfectly sure that he would never change his mind. So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls.

If God is real, if He is who the Bible says He is, then hopelessness is not an option. If His promises are true, if He doesn't change, and never lies, then we have to reverse the pattern in our lives of getting sucked into hopelessness.

If you see a pattern in your life of hopelessness, if that is your default setting, start to choose to trust today by beginning to tell yourself the truth. Ask God to show you how to see your situation with His eyes. Read about hope in the Bible. Memorize those verse and meditate on them when you find yourself sinking into hopelessness.

I'll leave you with a few of my favorites:
"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." Romans 5:3-5

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe." Ephesians 1:18-19

"This is why we work hard and continue to struggle, for our hope is in the living God, who is the Savior of all people and particularly of all believers." 1 Timothy 4:10

"Through Christ you have come to trust in God. And you have placed your faith and hope in God because he raised Christ from the dead and gave him great glory." 1 Peter 1:21